Is this normal? or should she see a counselor?

Among the many parts of my job as a psychologist who specializes in working with kids is to answer these two very common question from parents and teachers.Is THIS normal??or...Should she see a counselor?Upon hearing these questions, there are always a few follow-up questions that I ask that would help me determine whether it is typically developing behavior or if it is outside the range of what we would expect to see from a child of that age.

So the first follow-up question is: Does this problem behavior come up in more than one setting?

In other words, is the child having similar problem behavior, of similar severity at home, school, and within the community? Is he angry and aggressive at school? AND at home? AND when you take him to the store? AND when you take him to church?At the heart of this question is the determination of whether the problem is within the child or within the environment. If the child is having problems everywhere, and multiple people in his life are saying he is hard to manage or is really struggling, then it might be time to seek help.But, if he is only having problems in one part of his life, then it might be less about him and more about the environment not being able to support him well enough for him to maintain appropriate behavior. My first line of the defense in this case would be to increase the motivation at home to see if the child can control his behavior. For instance, you could try having a point system for good behavior throughout the day to see if that would motivate him to maintain appropriate behavior.If a child can maintain appropriate behavior at school, but then loses his mind when he is at home...it MAY not be a child problem. This happens frequently for kids who may have some difficulties with impulsivity/hyperactivity or anxiety. They work really hard all day to keep it together at school, and then simply cannot maintain that same level of positive behavior at home. That doesn't necessarily mean he needs a counselor. It may mean he needs a 30-45 minute break after school to regain composure after a hard day of keeping his behavior under control all day.

The second follow-up question is: Is the behavior impeding her learning?

If a child's challenging behavior is negatively impacting her learning, then we want to try to get teachers and parents together to come up with a behavior plan fairly quickly.  All of the academic and social skills in school build upon one another. In other words, if they miss critical academic lessons during the early elementary years because of impulsivity or distractibility, they may be confused about later concepts that build upon that knowledge she was supposed to gain earlier in her academic career. Working as a team, parents and teachers can help the child get back on track quickly so she doesn't fall behind. If the problems persist, seeking help may be important.

The final follow-up question is: Is the problem behavior harming the child or anyone around him/her?

Obviously, if the child is hurting people physically, it is a problem. How much of a problem will depend on the severity of physical harm and the frequency at which it occurs.I always pose this question because sometimes problem behaviors from our kids are simply annoying or frustrating, but they aren't really harming anyone. Some parents will try to make the argument that it is "harming" the child's relationships emotionally -- but if you are concerned about that, ask yourself... does he still have friends?  If yes, then it is probably just annoying and frustrating to us and only minimally annoying and frustrating to other children.The moral of the story here - If you answer NO to these questions, then your child is probably doing okay. Allow him or her to try to work through it on their own. Children are resilient. If they can "keep it together" at home, at school, and in the community - they don't need a therapist. Allow them to develop their own coping strategies until their behavior tells you that they can't do it on their own anymore. At that point, they will start to have more problems and that may be your signal to seek professional help. And in the meantime, be supportive, ask them if they need anything, and take time to listen. Make your words matter and allow theirs to matter, too.

3 unhelpful things we parents say to our kids (Part 1)

My whole philosophy is to focus on using our words for good. And sometimes this means not saying things that are unhelpful during the most challenging times with our kids. I have compiled a list of some of the most unhelpful things I have said as a parent - and have seen many, many other parents say in my office.

Unhelpful saying #1:    There is no reason to cry.

While I understand what we are trying to tell our kids in this moment, let me share a secret with all of us - when our kids are crying....they see a VERY REAL REASON to cry. They hurt their knee. They lost the game. Their friend took their toy. All of those, in their minds, are very reasonable reasons to cry. And truth be told...how many of us have cried at sappy movies that might also "not be a reason to cry" ??

Instead: Honor how your child is feeling. Give them the tools for expressing their emotions. For instance, "I saw how hard you fell down. And I see that your knee is bleeding. Are you okay?"  or  "I bet you are really disappointed that you lost today. I know how hard that feeling is. Tell me what you hoped would happen differently."  or  "I see that your friend took your toy. Go ask him for it back by saying, 'I was playing with that toy. Could I have it back?'"

See how these are much clearer in both honoring their experience and teaching emotional expression?

Unhelpful saying #2:   Don't worry.

Like the "There is no reason to cry" statement - if your child is worrying, they really believe there is a reason to worry. And when we shut them down by saying, "Don't worry" - we are essentially saying - your feelings don't matter and they aren't relevant to this situation.  Let me give you an example. I have a lot of clients who are fearful of storms or tornadoes (hooray for living in the Midwest!). And time and time again, I hear parents say, "There is nothing to worry about." or "Don't worry about it. Let mommy and daddy worry about it." For most of our kids, that just isn't how it works for them. They have seen the destruction of storms. They have heard that people can die from being struck by lightning. So they have every reason to worry that it would happen to them.

Instead: Ask them more specifically about what they are worried about. Rather than shutting down their anxiety, I encourage parents to draw it out of their child. Ask them how they learned about storms. Ask them what they know about tornadoes. Educate them with correct information in books or online to ease their worry. Share personal stories about your own fears growing up and how you have learned to be calm when you get worried.  Beyond storms, kids have lots of other worries, too. But the process is still the same. Draw information about their worries out of them by asking questions, listen to their fears, acknowledge their fears are valid, and educate them on the truth of what would/should/could happen in their specific scenario. AND THEN, follow-up with them the next hour, or next day, or next month to see how they are doing. This will solidify in them that you are listening and are connecting to how they are feeling too!

Unhelpful saying #3:    Calm Down.

Typically, this statement is made when a child (or adult) is expressing emotions in such a way that it makes us uncomfortable (or upset). In other words, our child is not managing their emotions the way we believe they should be. So we say, "calm down."  Here's the problem with 'calm down'.... it sends the message that your child's feelings are wrong. Or inappropriate. And trust me when I say... this might NOT be the right time to be telling them they are wrong!  In the heat of our emotional meltdowns, for any of us, we don't really want to hear we are wrong.  It only fuels the fire and actually does the opposite of what we are saying! Typically when we tell a child who is melting down to "calm down" - they usually become MORE angry, not calmer.

Instead: When anyone we love is having a meltdown, it may be best for us to first take a deep breath. And frankly, it might be best to encourage them to take a deep breath, too.  When our kids are upset, often these are times when they need understanding more than anything. They want to feel heard and understood in their emotion. But first, they have to be lucid. And meltdown are anything but lucid! So take a 2-3 minutes to help your child become calm by sitting near them or giving them space (depending on your child) and once they have calmed down on their own (or with your help), then you can have a conversation about what triggered them.  I was at a conference recently where the presenter shared some recent research that described our emotions lasting approximately 45 seconds. JUST 45 SECONDS! That shocks most people initially, but once you stop to think about it...our actual feeling of an emotion doesn't last much longer than a minute or two. It is the continued thoughts about the person driving in front of us who cut us off that repeated makes us think angry thoughts for longer than that. But the true physiological feeling of anger isn't the whole 15 minute rant in the car.

So just remember -- don't SAY "Calm down" - HELP them calm down and then talk to them about how they are feeling and what happened. And remember -- feelings don't last too long - so you can be brave and walk into the storm of a meltdown!

 I am planning a series of "unhelpful sayings" - so please share your ideas! I need your help!!What do you say (or have heard others say) that almost never gets the 'right' results?? photo cred: pexels.com Josh Willink 

3 more unhelpful things we parents say to our kids (Part 2)

Recently, I posted about unhelpful things we say to our kids and this is part 2 of that discussion! Thank you to everyone who shared their ideas for the unhelpful things we say. Keep your ideas coming!Today, I want to focus on 3 additional things I say (unfortunately!) and hear many other parents say, when I know that isn't what we really mean. And that isn't making words matter for good!  So let's find some better ways to say these common phrases.

Unhelpful saying #4:    You are acting like a _______________.

I hear this fairly frequently: "You are acting like a brat."  or  "You are acting like a baby."  And when the child cries or protests and says, "You just called me a brat!" - the parent responds with... "I didn't call you a brat. I said you were ACTING like a brat."  Let me tell you the truth here....all they HEAR is that they are a brat. They do not differentiate between "acting like" and actually being called that name.Now take a minute to really reflect. If you were at work and your coworker said, "You are acting like a jerk." Would you be able to hear anything but JERK? And truthfully, wouldn't that be the one thing you focused on for several hours or days?? If we are really honest with ourselves, if we were to flip the switch here and someone said that to us, we wouldn't buy the "acting like" story either.

Instead: First consider how you actually are feeling in that moment when you say, "You are acting like a _______." For most of us, we say things like this when we are frustrated or angry. And those emotions are totally acceptable to feel around our kids and even because of our kids. But instead of calling them a name ( a brat or a baby...), actually tell them how you feel. This does two things: first, it teaches them emotional expression. It teaches them that it is okay to feel and then talk about those feelings (The very thing you often want them to talk about in other moments!). And second, it teaches them exactly what is happening in that moment. Saying, "I feel really frustrated that you aren't listening to me." or "I feel angry that I am doing all of the work and you are watching TV." or "I feel disappointed that you are focusing only on the negative parts of today, when I tried really hard to make it a good day."   Notice: These statements start with "I feel _______ (insert FEELING WORD)."   Please don't say, "I feel like you are being a brat."  :)  That is not a feeling word. That is an opinion. An unfortunately unhelpful opinion at the current time.

Can you see how these statements make it clearer to your child what is really happening in the current situation and how to better express their feelings?  And you might be surprised at how much better they respond when you are focusing on being clearer with how you are feeling as well. I am often shocked at how well my own kids respond to me after I have screwed it up, then come back to fix it with this method and they will say things like, "I'm sorry I made you frustrated mommy."  or  "I'm sorry I wasn't listening."  When we start from a place of vulnerability with them, they enter into that space with us. And what I have learned over and again, I can't move into a place of being vulnerable until I can take a breath to pause my own emotional impulse to really tune in to what would be helpful in that moment.

Unhelpful saying #5:   Because I said so.

Many of us grew up hearing this. Many of us still say this when we want the negotiating or arguing to stop. The real problem with "Because I said so" is that it sounds like we are fighting to be on the top of a power trip. And for some of us who have a child who also wants that control, "Because I said so" will only fuel continued arguing. Beyond that, sometimes our kids ask "Why do we have to do that?" because they genuinely want to understand why something is happening in their world. Other times, they are asking, "Why do we have to do that?" because they are trying to protest. Either way, this is a teachable moment to help your child to understand their world and communicate more clearly about how he/she feels.

Instead: If your child is asking, "Why do we have to...", I first recommend explaining why you are requiring them to do that particular thing. Sometimes this illuminates some interesting things for us as parents. If you aren't really sure why you are doing something, perhaps you can decide next time that you don't have to require them to do that thing. For instance, we came home from the pool a couple of days ago around 5pm. I immediately told my kids to go take a shower because in my mind, it made more logical sense for them to take their already wet bodies into the shower (since they were changing out of their bathing suits anyways!). But they protested and said they wanted to take a shower later (before bed like they normally do). They asked, "Why do we have to take a shower now?"  For me, it made more sense. For them, it didn't. And this is the moment when I am tempted to say, "Because I said so."

But instead, I think we have an opportunity to pause here and consider. Do we have a reasonable explanation for why they have to take a shower - other than...well that is the way I think it should be done?  If we don't, then perhaps we honor their wishes. If we do, then share that when they protest. For instance, my daughter sometimes has a tendency to "forget" later. So sometimes my answer to the "why do we have to do it NOW?" question is, "Because in the past you have forgotten to do it, so it is better just to get it done now."

If your child is whining and asking, "Why do we have to do that?" and you have already explained it and they continue to whine, this is an opportunity to talk to them about being clearer about what they are saying, too. For instance, you could tell your child, "I have already explained why we have to do this. I can tell you are asking because you don't really want to go to the store with me. Instead of whining and continuing to ask why, you could say, 'Mom, I really don't like going to the store because it always takes such a long time.'" Although this might seem like a waste of time or like your child won't actually say that in that moment, you are planting seeds of how to communicate more clearly. After you do that twice or three or four times, you will begin to hear your child sharing more about how they feel about things. Just give it a try and enjoy the fruits of that labor later down the road!

Unhelpful saying #6:   I'm going to leave you.

Upon first reading this, many of you probably thought to yourself..."I would never leave my child."  Perhaps some of you even thought, I would never say that.  But imagine the moment when you are hustling to get out the door and your child isn't moving quite as quickly as you would like him/her to move. And you say, "If you don't hurry up, we are going to leave without you!"  OOPS.There are multiple reasons why this isn't a helpful saying. First, what we are TRYING to accomplish in saying this, is "hurry up!" and likely what actually happens is a total, def-con five meltdown. Second, at the foundation, all the matters to our kids is safety. And belonging. And trust. And when we threaten to leave, it can shatter that safety, belonging, and trust pretty quickly.

Instead: Say what you mean. "We are really in a hurry to get out the door. It doesn't look like you have gotten all of your things together. How can I help you to speed up this process so we aren't late?" This would probably not be the time to enforce consequences. Threatening to take things away during this time is not likely to make his/her speed move more quickly. Doing that will likely increase his/her emotional state, only causing more distraction. Wait until after you are in the car to have a discussion about how you want him or her to behave differently next time and ask what they think could have been different in that moment. For instance, "It took you longer to get ready to go that I thought it should. What do you think we could do differently to make sure we are stressed next time it is time to leave?" Saying something like this also gives your child the message that you are also there to support him or her as they are considering how to make changes. This will go a long way for your child.

This next part may be harder to hear. The other thing about timing is that most often, if we are in a hurry, it is because we, as the parents, haven't prepared well enough. Our kids have not mastered time management. Many of our kids can't even read a clock! So they still need a lot of support from us, as parents, to help them become prepared for what is next. So if you are perpetually hurrying your kids out the door, it might require a shift in starting the transition earlier so it doesn't become a stressful situation every time. Over the past 3 years, I had to learn this lesson over and over. I am a person who thinks, "I can just get one more thing done..." which almost always resulted in me running late, rushing my kids, and feeling stressed. Everything took longer with four kids. Everything. Just getting into the van still feels like a 30-minute-excursion!

For me, two things needed to change. First, I had to account for a 15 minute transition from the house to the vehicle. That's right. 15 minutes. Perhaps for you, it is 5 minutes. But either way, there has to be transition time from shutting down what your child is playing with to getting loaded into the car. I find most people don't consider this as they are preparing to arrive somewhere. Second, I needed to remember that there are some things that it is okay to be running late for.  Like arriving at the store. Or a family member's home who invited us over.

Some of you will disagree with me here. Many of us see being late as disrespectful. And I agree with that. But I also have seen too many times when there is room for grace here. There are certain times when I believe it is better to be 5 minutes late to my parents' dinner party than to arrive stressed and angry at my kid (whereby we just had a 30 minute screamfest because he was dawdling as we were leaving). I would much rather have a peaceful transition than arrive exactly on time. Then - learn that tomorrow, when it is time to leave, I have to prepare more time for that transition.

 Feel free to keep the "unhelpful" ideas coming! What other unhelpful things do you say or hear others saying? photo cred: pixabay.com, mintchipdesigns

5 best tips for surviving summer parties with kids

I love summer. I love the sun and the more relaxed schedule, and I LOVE time with friends or family at cookouts or summer parties! But honestly, sometimes those summer parties can bring out the not-so-best behavior in my kids. Anyone else?

I want to share with you some of the best tips I have shared with other families (and used in my own life with my kids!) to be more proactive at these summer parties to decrease our stress and increase the fun!

Tip #1: Know that although parties are fun, it is still a change in the routine

Change in routine, even when it is fun, can still throw a loop in your child's behavior. If they are used to getting in the bed at 8pm, but you want to stay out until 9pm for the party, that might cause some difficulties. It doesn't mean you CAN'T stay out until 9pm or even 10pm.  It does mean, you might just remember that it is a change and have a little extra grace when they have an attitude about something or are more frustrated.

In particular, if you have a kid who struggles with change, you might want to prepare him/her about the party, and the change in routine. Including them in the planning of things for them to do at the party might also help. For all of our kids, reminding them about the change in routine and even telling them (in the moment of the meltdown) that you know today has been a wacky day could also let them know you "get it".  That even though it is fun, this is a different thing for us to do as a family today and sometimes that could make this more frustrating or tiring, or whatever your child might be feeling!

Tip #2: Summer heat makes everyone less tolerant

Summer = heat. Too much heat = angry, tired, worn-out"ness".  It also means less tolerance for just about anything. So, you said "no" to having another popsicle? And that turned into a meltdown? And usually she doesn't get upset about that kind of thing?  That's the heat talking!  Your son seems to be crying or whining about everything? Even the tiniest of things causes catastrophic drama? That's the heat talking!

Although we all realize summer brings heat, we sometimes underestimate how much this impacts our kids' behavior. In those moments when you hear yourself saying, "Gosh, it's really hot out!" - Remember, heat = less tolerance for just about everything!

Tip #3: Summer parties usually means...bring on the food!

Parties with friends or family usually include a buffet of food that is not typically what your kids eat. Again, like the routine scenario above, when kids eat lots of food that they aren't used to, it might cause their stomachs to be a little bit out of whack. And when we are eating foods we aren't used to, it also impacts our mood. And for our kids, their mood directly impacts their behavior.

Trying to stick to just a few things out of the norm might help your child maintain balance. Although, I must admit, this is probably one of the biggest challenges for me because all of the food looks and tastes so good!  On the other hand, this past 4th of July, I realized that my kids were having so much fun playing and running around that they didn't even eat lunch until around 2pm! OOPS!  Whether it is different food, or a different food schedule, just remember that food impacts their mood and their mood impacts their behavior.

Tip #4: "Visit mode" means they are getting less attention from you

For most of us, the main reason for attending summer parties is the time we get to connect with family and friends. We want to catch up with extended family, hear how they have been, and share how we have been. All of this is amazing and essential to our personal connections with other adults. At the same time, when we are engaging with other people in what I call "visit mode" (i.e., listening and conversing for several minutes at a time), we are essentially ignoring our kids.

Even if we are watching them from afar, we are still attending to something other than them.  And for some kids, this might a big change from the norm. They might be accustomed to having mom or dad all to themselves.

Again, this isn't a problem that we need to change. I am certainly not suggesting we never have visit mode. Rather, I am suggesting we keep in mind that when our kids begin whining or hanging on us, those might be their bids for attention. Our kids might act out to get some attention from us when they aren't getting as much of us as they are used to. Just realizing this can really be helpful in the moment of a meltdown so you can respond from a place of compassion, rather than frustration.

Tip #5: Social relationships are different at parties

When family and friends and extended family members come together, it is sometimes an unusual social dynamic for our kids. A cousin might leave another cousin out, causing hurt feelings. Three friends might love to run and jump and play, inadvertently knocking something over - causing irritation of another adult.  Many people, even though they are family, are strangers to our kids - something that might require additional discussion about.

The point here is that it might impact both you and your child as you are trying to not look like "that mom" or protect your child from being hurt - which oftentimes can be stressful. To remedy some of this, it might be good to have an hourly check-in with your kids to ask how things are going with their friends at the party. Is everyone getting along? Does everyone feel included? Similarly, a check-in about how they are doing with you being in visit mode might be important as well. Is there anything you need from me right now? I am going to visit with grandma for a little bit, come find me if you need something?

Going to summer parties is a fun way for you to reconnect with others, but is also a great model of how to engage in community as our kids grow. What other tips do you have for surviving the summer parties?? Share below or on our Facebook page!

#makewordsmatterforgood

Tips for teens and anxiety (S2E11: Kids These days podcast)

Click here for Word document with flyer   - Flyer for anxiety

BrainDance Movement ideas! (S2E10 Kids These Days... podcast!)

Depression in our kids and teens.

Recently, on the Kids These Days... podcast, we discussed Depression in Kids and Teens (S2E9). I hope you get a chance to check it out!  Below is the image that goes with that!To download PDF - click here: Depression Handout

Helpful information for Anxiety in our littles!

 

When emotions get intense, stay C.A.L.M.

These last 10 months have been riddled with emotional highs and lows. It feels like we have been all over the map with our emotions (and our kids' emotions!). This post aims to share some helpful hints to remain CALM amidst the chaos of high emotions.

C - Catch your breathA - Adjust your faceL - Lean inM - Make it meaningful

Let's start by exploring each of these in more depth and realizing how each step allows the emotion of the moment to have space, while not encouraging it to grow out of control (which is what I find most people are MOST afraid of when they talk about or experience emotions).

We need not be afraid of emotions! Rather, once you realize how to work through big emotions effectively, the more you will welcome their presence in your life and the lives of your kids.

Catch your breath

I believe the very best thing you can do for your body when you are amidst high emotions is to BREATH. Taking big, deep breaths is one of the easiest ways to regulate your body as it responds to the emotion around you. There are a number of different breathing techniques you can try. Keep in mind, if one doesn't work, keep trying. Don't give up. Continued deep breathing will bring your body back down from a neurobiology standpoint.Here are a few tips for deep breathing:

• Try taking a deep breath through your nose and out your mouth. Aim to FILL your lungs with air. Breathe deeper than you typically do and notice your chest and belly rising as you extend your breath further than you typically do. Try this 3 or 4 or 5 times and notice how you feel.
• Square breathing is another technique that has an additional visual that I think is helpful when we are experiencing high emotions. It involves creating an imaginary box with your breath. Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold it for four seconds, release the breath for four seconds and then hold for four seconds. I like to envision an actual box as I am engaging in this exercise. For more, you can explore this website: Box Breathing: Techniques, Benefits, GIF, and More (healthline.com).
• Remember that breathing like this requires practice! Our typical breaths are not long and deep. So know that as you practice more and more, it will feel more comfortable and natural.
• Breathing interventions like this are best done in BOTH in-the-moment settings and during other settings. In other words, practice breathing like this even when you aren't in the midst of chaotic emotions. This will make it easier to come back to these exercises when you are in the middle of them.

Adjust your face

This part is all about your non-verbal communication during emotional moments. And specifically your facial expressions.  I have a VERY expressive face. And I didn't realize HOW much it impacted others until my supervisor in graduate school reminded me over and over that I had to keep a neutral face if I was going to be a good therapist.  I literally had NO idea that my face was doing any of the things he was telling me it was. And I learned over and over again how my often doesn't really show how I am truly feeling - leaving lots of difficulties interpersonally.

I believe the lack of realization of how our facial expressions impact other people is widespread. I believe many of us don't realize how our face might ignite further reactions from our kids or the people around us.

The very best way to realize your facial expressions is to check out your own reactions in a mirror. I know this might feel weird, but truly, until you can see how your eyebrows arch or your mouth turns down or your eyes narrow slightly with various emotions, you will not be able to adjust your face to the moment at hand. Take a few minutes to stand in front of the mirror and practice a few different emotions and see what your face does!The other way you can adjust your face is to ask a trusted friend or partner to give you interpersonal feedback. So imagine the face you would make with various emotions. What would your face do when you are angry? Make that face and ask your friend..."what does my face say to you?" Switch emotions and try other facial expressions while asking your partner that question. Your kids and teens may also be great at helping with this!

Lean in

Many of us are uncomfortable with discussion emotion.  We might be even more uncomfortable when showing emotion. But if we have someone in our lives who is willing to be vulnerable with their emotions, it is critical that we LEAN IN and engage in the moment with them. Think about it. We've all had the experience where a person nearby quickly shuts down our emotion. Or they tell us we are being "dramatic". Or to "stop crying".  Most of us walk away from that experience feeling unheard, unvalued, and certainly not realizing that talking about how I feel in the future is a good idea.The people around us need us to lean in. They need us to engage. Put our cell phones down. Turn off the television. Look at them and listen intently to what they feel. Don't be afraid.

Make it meaningful

The last step to staying CALM is to make it meaningful for you and the other person. This is best done with great listening skills and empathy sharing.  Great listening involves allowing the other person to speak, truly staying focused on what they are saying and not saying, and using non-verbal gestures to keep the person knowing you are listening. Great listeners PRACTICE. Listening is a skill to be learned, practiced, and re-learned in new relationships. Just because you are a good listener to your kids, doesn't mean you are a good listener to your friends or partner or supervisor. Be in continual reflection about your listening skills and ask others for feedback about your listening to learn for the future! I hope this provides you with some things to consider as you manage big emotions from people around you! I would love to hear from you if you have feedback!

Podcast Episode: Catching big dreams with Jennifer Stanley

This episode, my friend, Jennifer Stanley, joins me as we talk about dream catching, goal setting and the 3 things to achieve your goals in 2021. This time of year is the perfect time to think through and strategize to better capture all those dreams you have for yourself, your kids, and your family. Join us, listen in, share with others and grow!Show notes for Dreaming with Jennifer StanleyPodcast episode can be found here.Follow on Facebook MWMwithKids or our website www.makewordsmatterforgood.com. You can also email your thoguhts to Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com.A huge thank you to @JenniferStanley1213 (aka JenStanley_livingwell and the_client_corner) for joining me!

Developing healthy consumption of technology

I don't know how yall are doing, but I know I have been feeling more and more self-inflicted pressures to minimize my kids' screen time. And as my kids get older, I am finding myself being more and more interested in learning ways to help my own kids develop healthy habits with screens.So I sought out an expert! HOORAY!I met a fellow therapist and parenting expert, Dr. Tara Egan, from Charlotteparentcoaching.com, and let me tell you...talking with her has been so empowering to me! She shares her tips from workshops she does in the community (and now virtually) on how to help parents keep their kids safe in a digital world. The podcast episode is now live on Kids These Days...tools for supporting children't mental health.Click here for the episode: https://www.buzzsprout.com/1032082/5490079Show notes can be found here! Show notes from Tara Egan podcast episode

Day 7. Goal setting starts early.

Today is our final day of intentional conversations within this journey (hopefully not your final intentional conversation with your child! :).This series of questions for today helps model goal-setting and intention-setting - something that will be beneficial to them for their entire lives. You may already talk about this with your child, or you may have never thought about discussing intentions with them. Either way, hopefully this video will spark some thoughts in you to have intentional discussions today and tomorrow (and beyond) so we can help our kids stay focused on what matters to them and to you.As always, I am open to feedback from you all! How have the conversations gone? What questions do you still have? Have these emails been helpful?? Give me a shout! :)Stay well, friends. Until next time,BethClick HERE for the Day 7 video.

Day 6 - When we can encourage EXTRA kindness.

"Light fosters life. You have light to share, which means you have life to share. Don’t hide it. We all want to make a mark on the world, but oftentimes we talk ourselves out of it because we’re too busy or we assume we’re not talented enough. Hear me today: Your light shines brighter than you think it does." -Car window poetry devotionalI read this devotional a couple weeks ago and think we could help our kids this week focus on how they can be a light to share with others.Check out Car window poetry. Or search up "random acts of kindness." Share this idea with your kids and then ask them specifically what THEY can do to be extra kind today, tomorrow, and on the first day of school. Share with them what you are going to do to be extra kind. Have them write it down or help them write it down to help remind them. Ask them about it later that day and see how they FELT when they were extra nice. Share how you felt and remain in the present moment of experiencing this with your child today!Stay well, friends.Until tomorrow,Beth

Day 5 - When academics look different.

This year is going to be totally different. In so many ways. Likely to include the academic part of school. It may be easier. Or harder. It may be stricter, or looser. We just simply don't know exactly how all of this will work until we get there.So we can have a conversation NOW, with our kids about how things may look different. If you have some insight as to how that might look - share it with them! For instance, our school put out a document that outlined how virtual school was going to "look". Share the main ideas from that with your kid!  Similarly, our school has shared that desks will be in rows (not pods) and how they will be required to stay apart from one another. I know this doesn't seem to relate to academics in our eyes, but for your child, learning in the classroom will feel different when they are in rows versus pods. The more we can prepare them, the better!Below is the video for today's conversation.Stay well, friends.Until tomorrow,BethClick HERE for the Day 5 video.

Day 4 - Extending lots of grace to teachers

Our teachers have been such troopers all summer and as we are entering the new year, they need our support (and the support of our kids!) more than ever. Today's conversation is about explicitly teaching our kids how to choose empathy, compassion, and grace.Before you have this conversation, I would encourage you to think about ways to specifically relate it to your child and his/her experiences. This will really help drive the message home for your child.Below is the video for today's conversation.Stay well, friends.Until tomorrow,BethClick HERE for the Day 4 video.

Day 3 - Mask (and school-choice) shaming.

We are on Day 3 of continuing conversations with our kids about shaming. Shame is such a hard word. An even harder emotion. Yet, we all have experienced it and know how horrible it is.The trickiest part about shame messages is that we often don't mean to invoke shame. Most times, we truly believe we are helping teach or guide those around us. However, if you are sharing a message with your child (or anyone else) that originates in a place of fear or insecurity AND is an attempt to get them to change their behavior (in a manipulative way), it might be a shame-based message.  Take a moment to evaluate how you might feel if someone shared the same message with you and that might give some perspective.Below is the video for today's conversations. Hopefully y'all are doing well!Stay well, friends.Until tomorrow,BethClick HERE for the Day 3 video.

Day 2 - Being a good friend without being too close

So for Day 2, I want to talk about being a good friend without getting physically close to one another. Despite any of our own opinions about social distancing, it is clear that being 3 to 6 feet away from one another is a better way to stop the spread of all germs. And not spreading germs is a common concern for all kids in the school building, so it is not a new idea for our kids to get used to. But being physically distant from our friend may be.Take a moment to consider this juxtaposition. Their whole lives, we have encouraged closer contact. We have developed a habit in them to be in the physical space of peers. And now, we have to help them change that habit at school. And we all remember how hard habits are to break!So here is the video for Day 2 of our 7-day intentional journey together. Again, if you feel comfortable - give me a shout out about how the conversation went!Stay well, friends.Click HERE for the Day 2 video.

Day 1 of the 7-day intentional preparation for school to "start"

In this time of uncertainty and unpredictability, it is natural for us to feel anxious about the upcoming school year. When I am feeling anxious about something, I try to be even more intentional about conversations with my kids - knowing that if I am feeling anxious, they are probably also feeling something like that, too.So here is the video for Day 1 of our 7-day intentional journey together. The focus of this video is on TIMING of these conversations, as well as mask-wearing. If you feel comfortable - give me a shout out about how the conversation went!Stay well, friends.Click HERE for the Day 1 video.  

October is ALL about youth sports!

Hey all! This month, I will be covering topics related to youth sports (and youth activities). Tune in for all kinds of great info this month![embed]https://vimeo.com/362621079[/embed]PS I know I can change the front image for my videos, but I think it is hilarious to see all the many faces I make :)

What your face and your body are saying

Researchers say approximately 90% of what other people "hear" from us is not what they hear, it is what they see.  What they observe from our bodies and our faces when we talk with them is more telling than some of the words we say. The expression on our face when we share our disappointment or frustration can be interpreted as much deeper, negative messages. I have heard it from my own kids, and the many kids in my therapy room. My daughter will ask me, "Mommy, why are you mad?" And I turn to her, somewhat confused because I am not feeling mad...but apparently, I LOOK mad. I have had similar discussions with parents and kids in my therapy room. They accuse mom of yelling, while mom reports she doesn't yell.

Their perception is their current reality.

You know that saying, Perception is reality? I think that fits with our kids, too. Sometimes we have to spend as much time hearing and correcting their perception, as well as the reality. So rather than immediately dismissing their perception, I encourage parents to ask their child - "What makes you think I am mad?" Without learning this, you can't fully understand how they came to that perception.

Our face isn't great at covering our stress or our fear

The truth is, kids are ultra perceptive. They pick up on all of the subtle cues that we think we are so good at hiding. Remember, they have many, many fewer things to worry about in their minds. This frees up lots of space for paying attention to all the small things that we don't always have the mental space to realize.So. That means our kids can see the stress and fear on our faces. Even if we have the best intentions to keep them in the dark about it.Last year, my daughter had a gymnastics meet about 50 miles away. It was the middle of winter in Indiana and I thought I had allotted plenty of time for us to get to the meet. Unfortunately, I did not account for an interstate closure, impassible side roads, and the intolerance of her younger siblings in the back seat. To put it lightly, it was one of the most stressful couple of hours.I was truly fearful our car would veer off the road into the snow banks. I was stressed because cars were flying past me on the icy roads. I was frustrated that the meet wasn't cancelled. And we were both stressed because our arrival time was drifting annoyingly close to the start of the meet.I did my best to keep myself calm, but within a few short minutes, she noticed the fear and stress on my face. This triggered fear and stress in her, which meant she instantly began to cry.This example is meant to highlight how quickly our kids can pick up on how we are doing. And in those moments when our poker face is no longer hiding things, we have two options: 1. pretend things are okay, or 2. share our feelings.  I get that some of you don't want to "burden" your kids with your own things. And I don't think we should dump our stuff onto our kids. But I do think we could strike the balance of sharing our feelings to teach stress management and emotional expression.

So I wonder - what do your kids notice about your body or your face?

What is your body and your face saying when you talk, yell, reprimand, connect with your child??In moments of discipline and connection, remember our face is saying way more than our words!#makewords(andfaces)matterforgoodPhoto by Craig Adderley from Pexels