The thing about waiting...

Two things.

First. Waiting is hard. Can we all agree that waiting is hard??

And the unfortunate second part...

Kids wait A LOT.

I talk about this quite a bit when I do parenting workshops in the community. Kids have to wait in line, wait for a drink, wait for food, wait for me to get done with this text, this email, this Facebook scroll. They have to wait until they are older, wait until Friday, wait until their brother wakes up. Wait. Wait. Wait.If you pause to reflect, how well do we, adults, wait?

Wait for them to do their chores, their homework, their showers? Wait for a new job? A new house?

What I find, is that we, adults, don't wait well. YET we expect kids to wait well.  Today, I want to share a few thoughts about waiting and perhaps some tips for making the waiting easier!

Encourage boredom

That's right. I said it. Encourage them to be bored. Use boredom as a teaching moment for reflection, dreaming, thinking, exploring, etc. I have heard other experts talking about how our smartphones keep us from ever being bored. And I realized how true that is for our kids, too.I remember growing up and knowing what real boredom felt like. We lived in a house in the country, with no neighbors to play with. We had one TV in the house with 6 channels, most of which did not have kid-friendly shows. Although I wouldn't say I am a master at tackling boredom, I look back and realize that boredom taught me how to rely on my siblings as playmates. It also taught me to explore and ponder. I remember days when I would sit on the porch step and look at my surroundings and think about all types of things - what I wanted to be (an astronaut), where I wanted to live (on the moon), who I thought would live with me (my mother forever), what it would be like to fly.

An experiment on boredom

A couple of weeks ago, I implemented a new experiment with my kids. Please note: when I shared this new experiment with them, they grumbled..."not another experiment"! lol - if you are a praying person - please pray for my poor children :)   Anyway, this new experiment was to have "rest time" during the day. And here were the rest time rules:

• No electronics of any kind.
• Toys of any kind are not allowed.
• No talking to anyone else.
• Sleeping is NOT allowed. Sleeping is different from resting.
• For a period of 10 minutes.

I implemented this because I was noticing that my kids need frequent, if not continuous, stimulation. If there isn't a screen, a toy, or a person engaging them, they seem to lose their minds (I am praying my kids aren't the only ones in the world like this!!).The first day, it took several times of restarting the 10-minute timer, but after that initial day, they actually did okay following the rules of rest time. Two things came out of this week-long experiment (that will probably continue longer!): 1. They realized they were able to survive 10 minutes of "boredom" or "torture" as they called it. And 2. They had so much joy when that timer went off!  Each time, we all laughed at how excited they were for that oven timer to go off.

Model waiting well

Beyond boredom, I think our kids pick up on the torture, or lack of torture, of waiting based on how we handle it. I think it is important to talk explicitly about boredom with our kids, but also to share how we feel about waiting. Acknowledge that waiting is hard. Engage in a conversation about how it feels to wait and be bored. You might be shocked at what you learned from them! And it might even distract both of you from the waiting. The next time you hear yourself instructing your child to "wait" - maybe these reminders will help make that waiting just a little bit easier! photo cred: Pexels.com Lukas Hartmann

Become a noticer. In the best way!

"Noticer" is not a word. My computer continues to remind me that it is not a word, but it is absolutely a personality descriptor.  This is my middle son, Adrian. He is 5 and he is totally a noticer. He notices things on the daily that would not be on my radar in a million years. He can pick out a car that looks like our car from a parking lot of hundreds. As we are driving, he sees something that reminds him of his grandma and talks about a memory with her.  If I come out wearing a "fancy" dress (like one from Target or Macys - lol) he notices and tells me I am beautiful. When his dad comes back from the barbershop, he notices and says he likes his haircut. He sees wildflowers on the side of the road and remind me that those are the same wildflowers at our home 20 or 50 or 150 miles away. He notices.I was struck by his noticing abilities a couple of months ago for a couple of reasons. First, because he is so acutely aware of certain experiences in the world that I am absolutely not aware of at all. And second, he calls out what he notices in the most beautiful way. I want to share why I think we, parents, may all want to pause and notice more as well.

Noticing stops the busyness

Adrian is a tinkerer. He is at an age where he loves to tinker with things around the house, imagine and pretend new things with toys and pencils and lego bricks. In his tinkering, he notices unique details about the world around him that I simply miss because I am too busy, or flooding with other things, to realize. For instance, the other day, he was playing with some beads and I said in passing, "I really like those orange beads." (I know orange is his favorite color so I specifically called those out.) And he looked around the table, confused. I said, "Those beads you are playing with are orange." He said, "No they're not. They're red." We argued for a minute and once I came closer to where he was seated, I realized he was right. They were red (orangy red if I want to really still be right!).You see, I think we sometimes have so much else going on in our minds and our schedules that we forget to notice the small things. Our kids don't have nearly as much internal noise going on, so they have more space for noticing those things. But beyond the unimportant details of red beads versus orange beads, I found myself wondering what else I am not noticing.Perhaps that Adrian played by himself for several minutes without whining or needing anything from me? Or perhaps that he went to be last night without arguing? Or how about that he loves to run and play outside? Or how kind he was to his baby brother this morning?  Did I miss noticing that too? If I'm being honest, the truth is, yes. I did miss that. Because I didn't do the other thing Adrian is teaching me is so important: calling out what I notice.

Bring honor by calling out what you notice

I am ashamed to admit that I have noticed and thought so many positive things about so many people that I never shared with them for fear of looking silly or feeling inadequate. Perhaps it is Adrian's age that keeps him from having a filter, allowing him to share what he notices, or perhaps he will always be this way. Either way, his noticing almost always brings out the good around him. He brings honor to his siblings when he notices something special about them. Even when he notices (and awkwardly points out) someone who is taller or looks different from him, we use it as a teaching moment to engage in conversations with other people about the goodness of differences.

How can you notice something great in your child today AND call it out with them?

How can you notice something beautiful or good in your community AND share it with someone nearby?

How can you notice the hard work of someone who made your life simpler today AND share that with them?

Who could you honor by noticing today?#makewordsmatterforgood

The "dreaded" school supply list

I recently read this article from HuffPost and thought I could share some similar sentiments about our teachers. Our friends.Listen. I hate shopping for the things on the school supply list as much as the next person. And now having three kids in school, it is taking every single bit of my PhD education to make sure I get it right! Nonetheless, there are few people less acknowledged for their hard work and impact on our entire world than school teachers.  I truly believe that. If you think your work or job is harder or has greater impact, I encourage you to spend more time in a classroom. I don't say that to demean any other profession, I simply want to honor the truly remarkable work that all teachers do on a daily basis.

A glimpse of the morning of a teacher

Consider all that a teacher has to do in just the first hour of their job each day. Prepare their classroom, prepare their lessons, get materials for their lessons, perhaps a professional development meeting BEFORE school, check emails, prepare themselves mentally, prepare themselves emotionally, greet each child when they arrive, give instructions to each child about getting him/herself prepared for the day, ensure each child is doing what needs to be done.... (I could go on forever here...)This doesn't take into account the way teachers "see" every child and his or her needs.The way they adjust the wording of their instructions to ensure each child gets it.The way they look around the room to see whether any child needs academic or emotional assistance.  (Again, the list continues)I think we, as parents, remember the hard work of the day-to-day toward the end of summer when we are ready to pull our hair out! But I must admit, there were too many days last school year that I was numb to remembering how impactful my kids' teachers really were. My kids were growing. They were learning. They were sharing new things they had learned FROM THEIR TEACHER. 

Don't just think about it, take action

So as you are preparing to gather all of your school supplies, and perhaps as you purchase a few extras (as mentioned in the article above), might you also consider creating a monthly "Thank you" plan for your kids' teachers? Even as simply as a thank you card? Or a random act of kindness to show your gratitude towards them?  Last year during the month of December, my kids and I worked through a month of daily random acts of kindness. Several of these random acts included people from their school (e.g., telling the principal one great thing about their teacher, giving a candy bar to the custodial staff, writing a letter to their teacher, etc.).One thing I know for sure, no one has ever turned down kindness. And nothing but good comes from modeling kindness for our kids. photo cred: Pexels.com - nappy

Pros and cons of summer travel with kids

Summertime is a common time for travel since the kids are out of school. There's no need to worry about unexcused absences or missing homework. Fewer worries about the hustle and bustle of the school week. But as I have worked with kids in both the school year and summertime, I have realized there are pros and cons to the summer travel schedule. I will share those thoughts with you as you begin planning your final summer travel plans (or if you are REALLY ahead of the game -- planning for next summer's trip already!).

Pros to travelling in the summer

1. Obviously, they won't be missing school. This means there are no hoops to jump through for missing homework, pre-arranged absence forms, calling the school to tell them of the absence, etc.  Beyond the logistics though, the real benefit to not missing school is that they won't be missing instruction time from their teachers. Your child's teacher is uniquely trained to provide direct instruction to your child. And whether you agree with all of his or her approaches, I always remember to be thankful that my kids have someone other than me to learn from. In particular, someone with a degree in teaching.
2. Without the stress of school (on everyone - including your child), summertime is typically a less stress-filled time. Less stress typically means a more 'successful' vacation. The laidbackness of summer may be more conducive for travelling.
3. For some, there may be dual purpose travelling. Summertime is a common time for weddings and summer parties (see a recent post about surviving those parties here!). This means, you might be able to travel somewhere while also seeing friends or family. Maybe you have a summer family reunion in a fun place! You get to see a new place AND see family/friends. Double the fun!

Cons to travelling in the summer

1. Perhaps from your child's perspective, they aren't missing school. :)  Maybe you have a child who is a bit older and really desires going to school, but for most kids, the break from school is a welcomed idea! And frankly, for most of us, having a break from the monotone of work is something we would celebrate. For some kids I've seen in therapy, I have recommended the parents schedule a mental health day for their child one afternoon a month. This means picking them up around lunchtime and having a fun afternoon with just mom or dad to give a break from schoolwork, peers, instruction, rules, etc. I can't tell you how powerful this small change has been for many of my clients, and may be for your child, too!
2. It's a common time to travel, so it might be crowded and expensive. What I have learned from many parents I have talked to, and learned in my own life, crowds and kids do not usually go well together. When something is crowded, it usually means waiting, cramped spaces, and increased agitation. Does any of that sound like fun?? Not to me either! Or our kids! Knowing this, it might be helpful to prepare for this ahead of time. Play games while waiting in line for the amusement park ride. Heads Up (app on iPhone), I Spy, and 20 questions are good for just about any age.  If you are in a crowded area for a bit of time, try to find an open space to get some reprieve where they can run and stretch out.
3. Breaking up the summer routine - which is usually a routine kids love - may be more challenging than you think. You know how when you go on vacation, by about the 3rd or 4th or 5th day, you find yourself wanting to "get back home and into the routine again." It's a really similar thing for our kids. They get into a groove in the summertime, and while they may love summer travel, it disrupts that routine. Then you have to get into a vacation routine for a week and then back to summer routine again. As I type this out, we are leaving for a 4-day trip with family, I am realizing how much the back and forth and back might impact my little guys! Remembering this out-of-the-norm may just cause them to be a little bit off balance will help keep you from becoming overly frustrated with their minor (or major) behavior problems.

In the end, kids are resilient and will adjust, not matter where we drag them to! As you are considering your next summer trip, consider your child (or children) and whether some of these pros and cons might also ring true for them!Happy Travelling! photo cred: Pixabay

Bookends. With your time.

As a psychologist who works mostly with kids and families, I have seen time and time again that so often the best healer of mental health problems in our kids is simply more quality time with parents. In fact, sometimes, I would see a family just once or twice and "prescribe" them some quality family time together because I truly believed they didn't really need therapy, they just needed each other.

The 10-20-10 rule

I was recently reading another parenting book that talked about a 10-20-10 rule for spending time with our kids. Ten minutes in the morning, 20 minutes after school or work, and 10 minutes in the evening. Bookend your time together and then a bonus in the middle!

A couple of years ago, I conducted a short survey with parents.  I asked them approximately how much time they spend attending to their child throughout the day. The average was approximately 22 minutes. Just 22 minutes! Unfortunately, this is consistent with what other researchers have found as well (some of them reported even fewer minutes with our kids).

Although this sounds low, I framed the question as this: "How much time do you spend fully attending to your child?"  In my workshops, I share this information alongside the parallel question: "How much time do you spend fully attending to your work/email/phone/etc.?" When thinking about it with these two parallel questions, parents are almost always shocked at how unbalanced their time tends to be.

Pairing

Similar to the bookend rule, I teach a parent-child connection tool called pairing. This strategy involves spending intentional time with your child to reconnect immediately following any time away from one another.  Pairing and the 10-20-10 rule are two simple parenting strategies that are often the key to connecting with your child and minimizing problem behavior from them.

So how do you spend your morning time with you child? How about time in the evenings? Or in the middle of the day?

The biggest thing to remember is that we want to have that time be intentionally about your child's interest.If they want to talk about legos for 10 minutes, let them! If they want to tell you a six-minute recall of something they did yesterday, encourage it! So often, it's these small moments that mean the most to our kids (and us too!).

Make a commitment

Can you commit to spending quality time in the morning, evening, and sometime in the middle of the day? 

What might that look like? For me, it is almost always a warm greeting in the morning - hugs, cuddles, smiles. I am not as great in the evenings because sometimes I feel too tired! But I love reading or just laying in the bed next to the kids to talk about what matters to them that day. I always, always cherish those moments with them. What do you want that to look like for you? Remember - be intentional!

 Sidenote: As I was working on a title for this post, I realized that it might not be too long before bookends become obsolete! They may become like phones on the wall with the curly cord that we used to use before cell phones (that my kids wonder what the heck they are!). Photo Cred: Pexels.com Huynh Dat

Developing natural awareness

For the last year or so, I have been working to develop better skills with rest. If I am being honest, I don't rest well. My mind is always churning with ideas, thoughts, information. Beyond ideas, I also really have to fight to quiet those inner voices of self-doubt, judgment, and fear.As a psychologist and faculty member, I believe I am continually developing. As I have been reading and studying about mindfulness, as well as attempting the practice of meditation, I realize how much of a skill rest really is for me. I need practice with it. (Like a lot of practice!)  And sometimes it is hard to want to keep practicing something you don't feel that great at right away.And so I continue to work to find the right type of mindfulness strategy. Recently, I came across Diana Winston's book, The Little book of being: Practices and guidance for uncovering your natural awareness.  And although I am not finished reading it, I noticed a few things right away that have stuck with me.Primarily, mindfulness is one of those things that you can't really force. You can't push yourself too far into it, because that is the opposite of what mindfulness is meant to do. She discusses the idea of natural awareness defined as "a way of knowing and a state of being wherein our focus is on the awareness itself rather than on the things we are aware of. It is generally relaxed, effortless, and spacious. (p. 12)"

Relaxed. Effortless. And Spacious.  YES!!!  I want a double dose of that!

It made me ponder. How often does my mind feel relaxed? Effortless? Spacious?  That last one, spacious, felt like an entirely new world for me. I had never thought about wanting my mind to feel spacious. And yet, as I pondered, it really resonated with me. In a world where we are feeling crunched for time, for money, for energy - and there never seems to be enough of any of it - spaciousness sounds like a good antidote to 'never enough' doesn't it??So how do we do that?  Well, I am not an expert here, but I know for sure that it is critical to teach our kids how to rest well. Maybe that means teaching them mindfulness techniques. Seeing beauty in unusual spaces. Practicing gratitude, not just thankfulness. Or maybe that comes in the form of yoga or breathing exercises. Perhaps it is a progressive muscle relaxation. Maybe it is just sitting on the couch in the quiet of the house together.  Or even better yet, maybe it means asking them what they would like to do for rest today. You might be surprised at what you hear from them!I want to hear from you all...what is your best technique for rest? And uncovering YOUR natural awareness?#makewordsmatterforgood #practicerest #practicenaturalawarenessPhoto Cred - Pexels.com Pok Rie 

The vulnerabity of hope 2

I recently posted about the importance of hope and realized that hope, like joy, may be more challenging that we initially think.  Because both hope and joy require vulnerability from us. They require positive expectancy that, when not fulfilled, can sometimes lead to hurt and disappointment. Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't get your hopes up."?  I have heard that a lot in my life. And what I am realizing now is that this phrase is really the opposite of what I want to model for my kids. I want to model vulnerability. Joy. Hopefulness. Even though there is risk of disappointment.The interesting thing I learned as I was studying hope was what I found as I explored the antonyms. And before I share, I want for you to consider… what is the opposite of hope for you?Initially, I thought – “hopeless.” Or perhaps “despair.”But as I read more about hope, I found some additional opposites of hope to be distrust, doubt, fear, and hatred. I began to ponder. All of those antonyms are fear-based. They perpetuate fear. They encourage negativity. They are the opposite of vulnerability.You see, to have hope when things are darkest is to be vulnerable enough to share that you are in the dark. And that can be a hard thing to do! But this can also be one of our biggest defining moments as parents. When we share that we are still dreaming and hoping in the darkest times, we are showing our kids that they should never give up. And more importantly, to not be afraid. So as you face challenging times, I believe we must be purposeful with the language we use to describe how we feel during those moments. If you find yourself using phrases like, “It’s never going to get better.” Or “it is always going to be this way.” – Those “always” and “never” phrases are not hope-driven. They share a message of hopelessness. Instead, choose phrases like, “It feels really hard right now, but I know we are strong enough to move forward from here.” Or “I know it is scary, but we both know how hard you work.” Moreover, if you hear your child using “always” or “never” statements, it is important to shift that language for them as well!Reflect – When I face challenging situations, how do I model the resiliency to stay hopeful? Do I allow my children to see and hear those things from me so they can learn as well?  What types of “always” or “never” phrases should I rephrase? 

The importance of HOPE (in a world that sometimes can feel hopeless)

I’m a "word" person. I have always been fascinated with words. I used to grab my thesaurus and look up synonyms and antonyms for words. Just for fun.  (I know…it’s strange – don’t judge).You know how every once in a while, you will have that experience where you hear a certain song a few times or see a certain person or car a few times, or hear a phrase or word a few times and feel like the universe is trying to tell you something?  I have this happen from time to time and usually try to settle into it to see what the message might be for me.Recently, the word I have heard over and over is HOPE.And so, being the word-person that I am, I began looking into the word HOPE.

You probably won’t be surprised to know the word hope means “longing; dream”

I think we often think of the word hope as being related to longing for something or dreaming of something.I love so many of the synonyms for hope:

• Anticipation
• Aspiration
• Desire
• Expectation
• Faith
• Optimism
• Promise
• Wish
• Reverie

Sidenote: (oh.my.goodness. This word, Reverie. Can we just commit to using this beautiful word more frequently in our day-to-day language?? What a beautiful word! If we could all just sit in “reverie” once a week or so…I think the world would be a better place for sure!!)Those synonyms for hope are so important to use with our kids. Daily. Multiple times a day. To show them the importance dreaming for something. But more than that, not just saying the word "hope", but actually modeling hope. Modeling the excitement and anticipation of something you are dreaming about. And then modeling the persistence it takes to reach those dreams and goals that you have hoped for. This last part can be challenging, but is an important part in showing our kids that hope can be the fuel to achieving dreams.After watching the news or feed on social media, I sometimes find myself falling into hopelessness. "What is happening to our country?"  "What is making so much evil in our world?" or similar thoughts. Perhaps these thoughts might cross your mind from time to time as well.  But I truly believe we, as parents and teachers, have the ability to change that with our words and actions.  We can encourage conversation about HOPE!Ask your kids, what do they HOPE happens next week? What do you DREAM about being next year (or 5 years) or 10 years!?  Take time to be explicit in your conversations about dreams and hope (beyond "what do you want to be when you grow up?").Share below what you learn!! And #makewordsmatterforgood!  

So what's the real story about our kids and screen time??

Screen time. Two little words - filled with so many ideas, judgments, worries, and advice. If there is a hot topic in the world of parenting, it is the "appropriate" limit for screen time.Shout out to my good friend, Jennifer H., who shared a BBC article written about worrying less about quantity of your child's screen time and more about the consequences of that screen time. I often remind parents that there isn't a magic number of hours or minutes that is "best" for kids. In fact, like most things related to parenting, what is good for one child is not the same for another child.  The article shares a series of questions to assess whether screen time is a problem for your child. Here is what they say:

• "Is your family's screen time under control?
• Does screen use interfere with what your family wants to do?
• Does screen use interfere with sleep?
• Are you able to control snacking during screen time?"  (Therrien & Wakefield, 2018)

While I believe these questions are an important starting point, my questions for parents are typically more related to the purpose and content of the screen time. For instance:

• Is your son playing videogames with a friend at your house for 30-45 minutes as a way to socialize? Then it is probably okay.  If the play goes on for 2-5 hours, then maybe we should encourage another way to interact with his peers.
• Do you allow tablet time while you cook dinner just to keep the peace during that otherwise hectic time? Great idea! (Consider the alternative... you are stressed because the kids keep arguing with one another and you are constantly yelling at them for the duration of the 30-45 minutes of cooking dinner.... NOT a better alternative to the screen time)
• Do you allow them to watch a movie during "quiet time" in the afternoon so you can grasp some alone time for an hour or two to catch up on laundry, dishes, or Netflix?  Okay! Again, is the alternative that you are so frustrated and burned out that you are irritable and angry??
• Are they watching age-appropriate videos about a topic of interest to learn additional ways of engaging with the world? For instance, my 5-year-old loves to watch videos about marble races. After a few weeks of him watching those, I noticed he started tinkering more with his own marble run - becoming more creative with attaching new pieces and other parts of other toys. Granted....he started using a LOT of scotch tape in the process....but hey, he was learning how the world worked - developing lots of good cognitive and independent play skills along the way.

You see. When you consider the alternatives, it doesn't seem like such a horrible thing. Now, I am not suggesting we allow our kids to play on tablets or computers all day! They NEED to be around other people to learn social skills. They need to be active to release energy from their bodies. But, in moderation, a little screen time is okay.Here are a few suggestions:

1. Always monitor the content. We certainly don't want our little guys to be exposed to "adult content".  Our younger kids do not have the cognitive capacity for understanding fiction from non-fiction. So if they are watching adult content (either sex or violence), you are likely to see them start acting out in their own lives. So just be continually checking in about what they are watching. I also recommend you check their search history. Sometimes it can go from benign curiosity and a few clicks later, "butt cheeks" (a common obsession for 5-9 year-old boys) turns into something X-rated.
2. Be wary of social media. While their are lots of ideas about specific screen time limits, we don't have a ton of consistent research that says screen time, in appropriate doses will permanently harm your child. On the other hand, we have better evidence for the dangers of social media and cyber bullying. This doesn't mean social media is banned, but it also means you have to monitor their use. Typically, I recommend waiting for social media until they are in middle or high school (or seem mature enough to be trusted with the freedom of social media use).
3. Teach your child how to use technology for good. Learn a new language. Learn a new math trick. Watch a cool video on a new craft or science project. Just yesterday, my 9-year-old and I watched a great video on growing crystals for his science fair project. Watching that video got him super excited about doing his science project!  You can find videos on just about anything out there!

And truly, my bigger issue is not with the child's screen time, but with the PARENT's screen time. Even as adults, we can get sucked in to our phones, laptops, or favorite show. While we are sucked in, whether we realize it or not, we are modeling a couple of things:

1. We are ignoring them when we are focused on screens. I am not saying we need to attend to our kids every second of the day. But we have to realize that while we are zoned in to a screen, we are not zoned in to our kids. A good friend of mine, Christina S., always reminds her kids "People are more important than electronics." I am sure we would all agree with her, so be sure to remind yourself of that if you need! (I know I need reminded myself sometimes!!)
2. We are modeling a value of screen time. Let me say that another way.... when we watch hours of television at a time, we model for our kids that this behavior is okay.  There is no judgment from me here! I have done my share of binge watching Netflix. What I am hoping to get across is that we cannot get upset with our kids when they watch hours of television or videogames if we model that same thing. Be the example you want for your kids.
3. Develop and consistently model screen-free time. What times of day will be sacred for technology-free time? Make a time-out box for the screens during a specific time of day. Get out a few board games or puzzles. Turn on dance music and have a dance party. Have them help with dinner. The point here is that this sacred time is focused on family and EVERYONE is committed to being screen free during that time.
4. Put your phone out of sight when you are having a conversation. Nothing is more distracting and annoying that when you have your phone sitting out during a conversation. The message it portrays to the other person you talking to is that you are just a "ding" away from being second-best. Imagine, you are in the middle of a sentence and the person you are talking to gets a notification on their phone. So mid-sentence, they look down to see who/what it is.  Think about that...how do you feel? Second best? I think that is how most of us feel. So when you are having a conversation, with your child or anyone else, put your phone out of sight to minimize that distraction. Be present with that person so you can let them know what they mean to you!

As I continue to consider how to use technology for the best possibilities in my own life and the lives of my kids, I know these are just constant reminders for all of us. Here's to finding the balance! photo cred (pexels.com - Bruce Mars)   

This year's focus - Breathe

A couple of years ago, I attended a women in leadership seminar where the speaker challenged us to consider the most important word for our year. I skeptically thought to myself, "How could I possibly focus on just ONE word, ALL YEAR??"

#someoneshouldatoldmethen#shouldabeenasignIwasdoingtoomuch#that'swhatfocusreallyis

Nonetheless, I chose my word that year as Faith.  It was a time in my life when I really needed to let go of needing to be in charge of everything (something I am still working on!) and allow God to lead me to finding purpose.Remarkably, as I found myself choosing to be mindful of that word that year, I actually found myself feeling less anxious about being the "perfect mom."  Or even a great mom all the time. I was living in this anxiety of always needing to keep it together in public (and at home so my kids wouldn't tell their friends or teachers) so that my JOB as a child psychologist would not seem hypocritical. I often found myself thinking..."If I can't keep my own kids 'in order', how would anyone possibly trust me to help them with their children??"

I chose to have FAITH that it would be okay.

So I allowed them to run in circles in the grocery store.I allowed them to make farting noises in the elevator.I allowed them to sing as they ordered their food at the fast food restaurant.Because the truth is, none of those things is actually inappropriate for boys/kids their age. None of those things is harmful to them or anyone else. I mean, who really decided those things were banned from grocery stores, elevators, and restaurants??  Mostly us, adults, who really struggle to know how to infuse fun and laughter into our everyday lives.When I focused on FAITH, I allowed my kids to be kids, without forcing them to fit within a box that "WE" have decided they should be in.  And more than anything, my anxiety was not about their well-being. It was about other people's judgment of me as a mother and a woman. I felt the stares when they would be hyper in the store. I saw the heads shaking as my son would throw the giant ball into the elastic-banded TOWER of BALLS at the store (I mean... really?!?!? who doesn't want to just throw those balls into the tower every time they walk past??).  But at the end of the day, it wasn't about their inappropriate behavior - it was other people's judgment of me "not having control" of my kids.  And with this one life I have with them, I suppose I have two choices. 1. Never go out in public. or 2. Stop worrying about others' expectations of how my kids should behave.

Anyone else struggle here?? Let me tell you, you are not alone. And if I ever see you out, I promise not to judge.

So as I continue to choose to have FAITH that it will be okay, I am still working on allowing them to be who they are in public. There are four of them afterall! That is a lot of craziness in the store sometimes! :)Fast forward to this year.  I have contemplated a few words for this coming year. Balance. Rest. Peace. But the best word I have found to capture what I dream for 2019 is BREATHE. It absolutely encapsulates all of my goals and dreams for this year.

1. When I find myself becoming anxious about what others think of me - I will just BREATHE and be reminded that... I am enough.
2. When I am working on my yoga practice (something I have had a LOVE/HATE relationship with for years)... I will BREATHE.
3. When I am feeling stressed about work or kids or life... I will BREATHE.
4. When my kids are challenging me with their behavior or words... I will remember to BREATHE so I can pause to figure out the best way to respond.
5. As I ponder my next steps in my career... I will BREATHE and practice meditating on what God has for me.

Whatever your goal or focus for 2019 (and beyond), I encourage you to find a word. And you will be amazed at how helpful it is that you can live into that word...but also, how often you encounter that word in your life!So.... what's your word?? photo cred (pexels.com - rawpixel)

The Daily Reminder - Day 30: Partner + Dream Big

It only seems fitting for the last day of our experiment to be a challenge to dream big. But rather than just dreaming big on your own, have a conversation with your spouse/partner about what dreams you have for you as a COUPLE.I have seen too many parents who forget that they were couples first. And I know how it happens. We get super focused on our kids and forget about each other.  Six months later, you haven't been on a date the entire time. A month later and you haven't had anything more than a G-rated moment in the bedroom.

Let's re-connect today by talking about what our dreams are as a couple. Wanna travel to China? Put that out into existence!  Wanna talk about adoption?  Feel called to switching careers?  Nothing is off limits if you are just dreaming!

P.S. For some of you, you might have to warn your partner that you are just dreaming aloud (for now...).Recap - I will have a final recap tomorrow! I welcome anyone else's overall recap as well!!

The Daily Reminder - Day 14: Physical Health + Breathe

Breathing seems like a silly thing to be reminded of. We all breathe automatically all day long. But I believe all of us have been in situations that have been somewhat tense or irritating and the way we calm ourselves is to take a deep breath. The same is true when we instruct others who are becoming irritated or upset to “take a deep breath.”Inherently, we know the benefits of taking some deep breaths, but have you spent the whole day intentionally taking those deep breaths.? What if we took these calming breaths all day? I wonder how that might make us feel?Well. Today. We will figure that out! Each hour, I challenge us to take one FULL minute of FULL deep breaths. Breathe in as deep as you can. Breathe out as deep as you can. For one minute each hour.My plan is to set an alarm on the hour each hour to remind myself.Recap from Day 13I found myself standing and walking yesterday (rather than just sitting and watching my son play football) more than I would have otherwise. I also challenged two dear friends to join me on a walk last night as our families were hanging out for a cookout. It was so sweet to have two great friends and we basically just picked up our conversation and took it on the road!I love walking and talking. There's something so freeing about being outdoors. It always reminds me how vast the world is when I am outside and then contrast that with the intimacy of friendship and deep conversation and I am in love! :)How's everyone else doing?? Ready for spiritual health tomorrow?photo cred pexels.com (Oleksandr Pidvalnyi)

My 30-day "Daily reminder" experiment - want to join me??

I woke up today feeling like I just couldn't seem to put together a few days in a row of meeting any of my goals. Goals with my physical health. Goals with my kids. Goals with my spiritual health. I seem to do pretty well for a day or two or three and then I fall off the wagon. Anyone else been there??So I decided I would try something. I want to spend 30 days being hyper-focused on one of four areas in my life: my relationship with my kids, my physical health, my spiritual health, and my mental/emotional health. The truth is, I sometimes feel overwhelmed by all the ways I should probably "be healthier."

• I "should" eat less sugar. Less caffeine. Less carbs.
• I "should" exercise more. Do more cardio. Join a special diet to "finally" lose the last 20 pounds of baby weight.
• I "should" pray more. I should meditate. I should reflect and journal about my life experiences.
• I "should" spend more time fully attending to my kids. I should play silly games with them. I should read more to them.

I should. I should. I should.And as a psychologist, I know what the "shoulds" can do to us. They make us feel like a failure. Like we are not enough. Like we should be better. And truthfully...often, the "shoulds" I have in my mind are such lofty goals that there is probably no way I will ever reach them.And yet, everyday, I start with my list of things to do.  Things I hope to accomplish. The 16 or 12 or 9 things for that day that need to get done, but probably won't because I am so focused on so many things, I can't focus on anything.Well. For the next 30 days, I will not create the to-do list. Sure. I will have the emails to check and assignments to grade. But instead of focusing on the list, I will be hyper-focused on the things that really matter. Just ONE thing each day.Here's my plan. Each week, there will be a theme:

• Week 1: Relationship with my kids
• Week 2: Physical health
• Week 3: Spiritual health
• Week 4: Mental/Emotional health

Then, each day, I will have ONE aspect of that theme that I will focus on all day. And the rest, I will let have a break from taking up mental energy. I will post it so you all can keep me accountable - and I invite you to join me!  You will see the post on Facebook each morning with that day's "Daily reminder."At then at the end of each day and each week, I will reflect on which ONE aspect in each area that appears to be making the most impact in my life. And then, who knows...I may expand the 30 day experiment from there!Let me give you a couple examples:  Relationship with my kids - devote the day to really listening to them and ask one thoughtful question of each of them;  devote the day to cuddling and hugging my kids as often as I can (without them strangling me!); Physical health - drink 100 ounces of water; skip dessert and carbs today.Who wants in?? You can reply in Facebook, private message me, or email Beth@makewordsmatterforgood.com - just say - "I want the Daily Reminder!" -Because heaven knows I need the daily reminder to keep me on track, too! 

Top 3 things to do when your child is anxious, emotional, or having a meltdown

Managing emotional moments with your child can be one of the hardest things as a parent. There is an innate part of us that is triggered when our kid is melting down. We just want them to stop crying. To stop hurting. To stop screaming. To stop feeling anxious. It is our nature as parents to want to protect them – and frankly to get back to feeling peaceful!I spend a lot of time in my therapy room talking with parents about how to manage meltdowns from the 2-year-old to the 17-year-old. Here are the top 3 things I say to parents over and over again:

1. Recognize your own needs. It may not be easy to hear, but often the meltdown is, at least, in part due to the parent’s under- or over-reaction to a particular situation. As parents, we struggle with our own emotions of frustration, disappointment, embarrassment, hurt, or anger, among others. Sometimes those emotions may be because of something our child did – and sometimes they may be because of things outside of our role as a parent. For instance, you may be disappointed because of something that happened at work (e.g., being passed up for a promotion, hard conversation with a customer, etc.).

Remember that your child is ALWAYS watching and listening and learning from you. She is waiting to see how you handle those challenging situations so she can learn how to handle them in her own life. He is watching your face and your body to see what you do when you are upset.That means, you have to be purposeful with how you express emotions. During a calm moment, create a list of the things that are important to you as a parent as you think about emotions. Do you want your child to be able to talk openly about his/her emotions? Is yelling acceptable? Is cursing acceptable?  Clearly outline what is and is not acceptable regarding emotional expression.Then – MODEL this every time you become emotional in your own life. Notice, this does not mean to be emotionless around your children. It means to model the values you hold for your family in a meaningful way to teach your child how to behave.The other aspect of recognizing your own needs is that sometimes, your child’s emotional outburst is not really about you. It may be about their level of fatigue. It may be about puberty. It may be about their own disappointment and you simply said something that tipped them over the edge. The point is, don’t take their meltdown personally. We all say things we don’t mean when we are upset. Your child is no different. Your goal as a parent is not to take their yelling personally. It is to teach them how to manage their emotions appropriately. If your initial reaction is to be offended and then punish them, it is unlikely you will meet your goal. Instead, take a breath and remember – “This isn’t about me. How can I teach him/her to better express emotion in this moment??”

2. Focus on the underlying emotion or message – When it comes to meltdowns, this is the most common strategy I teach to parents. When our kids are exploding with emotion (or “melting down” or “over the edge” or “freaking out” – whatever you call it), having a rational conversation with them is going to be pointless. Or worse, it might make the entire thing even more unbearable!

Your only priority when your child’s emotions are overflowing is to find out what the underlying message is. Don’t focus on WHAT they are saying. Instead, focus on WHY they are saying what they are saying. Let’s look at a couple of examples.Imagine the 6-year-old who was just told she had to go to bed. Immediately, the child shouts, “You never care about me! You never ask me how I’m doing!!!”

• Your initial reaction is likely to be something like, “I do care about you. And I do ask you how you are doing. I asked you after school how your day was!”
• The BETTER reaction is to focus on the underlying emotion or message. WHY is she saying you don’t care about her? In this case, she may be saying that because she is angry or frustrated that she has to go to bed. Instead, we might want to say, “I know you are irritated that you have to turn off your video game and go to bed, but you have to go to bed now. I will come up in 5 minutes to talk about how you feel. Please go to your room and get in the bed.”

Another example is the 14-year-old who has been working on homework for 2 hours and screams in frustration, “I hate science!! I hate Mr. Jackson for assigning this!! I am so stupid!”

• Again, your initial reaction is likely to be something like, “Don’t say that. You know you like science. And you know you aren’t stupid. You got all As and Bs on your last report card!”
• The BETTER reaction is to focus on the underlying emotion or message. WHY is he saying he hates science? In this case, he is likely tired and frustrated both physically and cognitively. You are more likely to be successful at managing this one if you say something like, “I know you are frustrated by this. Let’s work together to figure this out. I know you can do it.”

In both of these situations, do you see how we are focused on the underlying emotion or message?? That will always get us toward the solution sooner than if we only focus on what they are saying.

3. Support them. Don’t fix it. And don’t rationalize. – Now that you have learned how to recognize the underlying emotion, the words you choose in your response are critical. There are a few things to remember when your child is highly emotional. First, your goal is to simply support them. Most often, they don’t want us (as parents) to ‘fix it’ for them. They simply want us to listen and honor their emotions. So the way we do this is to say things like, “Tell me more.” Or “I’m listening. What else happened?” Or “Wow that sounds tough. What else did she say?”

Simply show them you are listening and try to get them to continue talking by looking genuinely interested in what they are saying. Furthermore, it will go a long way for you to really try to understand how they are feeling in that moment. While they are talking, consider how you might feel if you were their age experiencing that. Try to simply be empathetic with them.One of the biggest mistakes when our child is emotional is to use a rational explanation for why they shouldn’t feel that way.  Things like, “Oh honey, you know you aren’t stupid. Why would you say that?” or “You know how important you are. You don’t have to worry about them.” Or any other rationalization of why your child shouldn’t feel a certain way is only causing them to feel like their feelings are  not valid.When our kids are emotional, their rational brain is not working. Their emotions have taken over. So rational explanations will never connect with them.You have to first get them calmed down by listening and showing empathy. THEN, you can have a rational conversation with them to teach them the truth in each situation. If you skip this listening/calming step, your words will not matter with them.Create a short list of listening phrases you can use with your child when he/she is emotional. Practice using them as often as possible when your child is both emotional and just in everyday conversation. The more practice you get with them, the more natural they will become in the tough situations!  

The key to changing bad behavior - work toward the goal, not away from it

As a psychologist, I have talked with parents about my share of behavior plans, sticker charts, chore charts, visual schedules, you name it…I have done it! And frequently, it is a similar story from most parents:I want my kid to stop hitting his sister. I want my daughter to stop having attitude every time we ask her to do something. I need for him to stop getting suspended from school.Our typical reaction to bad behavior from our kids is to take something away from them. To “punish” them.Unfortunately, the way that most of us go about trying to change our kid’s behavior may really only be asking for additional problems.Let me give you an example.

• Imagine your partner says to you, “If you don’t do exactly what I want you to do, I am going to take something you love away from you.” For instance. If my husband said that he would take my morning coffee away if I didn’t make the bed every morning, I would be really irritated.
• If he said he would take away my favorite pair of boots if I didn’t fold my laundry immediately after it came out of the dryer. I would resent him (Big time).
• If he got frustrated with me when I told him that I just didn’t feel like doing the laundry today and he said, “Well if you don’t do it right now, you can’t have Starbucks ever again...” or “I don’t care if you feel like doing I, you HAVE to get it done right now.”

As you read this, all of this sounds absolutely ridiculous.However for many of the families that I worked with, this is often how things go with our kids. We tell them that if they disrespect their teacher at school, then we will take away their favorite toy or video game. If they don’t complete their homework on time, then we take away screen time. If they tell us they don’t feel like doing their chores right now, we tell them that they have to because that’s when we want them to do it.

In general we simply don’t tolerate those parts of ourselves that we see in our children.

What we really need to do is to focus on working toward our goal rather than away from it. In other words, we want to work up to the things we want kids to do rather than away from the things we want them to stop doing.

The key to changing bad behavior - work toward the goal, not away from it

Let me give you an example of it this way.

• Instead of taking away video games for being disrespectful…Flip this to work toward the goal rather than away… He EARNS 60 minutes of video games when he is respectful at school all day. He earns 30 minutes if he has been respectful all day at school with one instance of disrespect. Do you see how either way, he is getting video games? It is just how we approach it that really matters.
• Instead of taking away screen time when she doesn’t complete homework… Flip this to work toward the goal rather than away…She EARNS 40 minutes of screen time when she completes her homework successfully. She earns an extra 15 minutes if her teacher reports she turned it in on time. Again. Same thing here. Either way, she is getting screen time. It is just our approach and her attitude about earning it that is different.

While this may seem like a small shift, it really makes a huge difference for our kids. And frankly for us, as adults, as well. Think about the example above. If I earned a new pair of boots after folding laundry immediately, I would be folding that laundry every day!!So, as you think about the things your child is doing that you don’t want him or her to do, consider stepping away from using punishment as the answer. Holding that consequence over their head is not the way to get them to change. Helping them work toward the goals that they want is exactly how you teach them appropriate behavior, and long-term goal setting.Give it a shot! You (and your child) will be glad that you did!

Planting seeds with our school-age kids, pre-teens and teenagers

I love gardening. I will start by saying that I am terrible at gardening. But I LOVE it. I love the idea of growing something from a tiny seed into something that I can eat or put in a vase on my dining room table. I love the idea of nurturing plants with water and sunlight. I love the idea of growing. I always have.My mother and father knew when I was very young that I was going to be a life-long learner, always striving to keep growing intellectually. I used to drive them crazy asking “Why?” questions. “Why is the sky blue?” “Why do onions make you cry?”  “Why do we need to sleep?” “Why. Why. Why.”As a psychologist, I obviously love the idea of growing psychologically, emotionally, and behaviorally. I believe we were created to always keep evolving and improving. I never want to feel stagnant in my personal or professional growth. (This is different than finding stillness. Stillness actually promotes growth and is the antithesis of stagnancy.  See my blog on stillness to know the difference!).

Growth is a necessary part of becoming better in every way.

I believe the same is true with our kids. They are actually growing at a much more rapid pace than adults. In fact, we have lots of science to show how rapidly their brains and bodies are developing.However, I have talked to enough parents and teachers to know that sometimes it can feel like the things that we, as parents and teachers, are trying to teach our kids are not really helping them grow.In other words, there are times when parents I have worked with have said, “Nothing is working. He just doesn’t get it. He keeps doing all of these things that we have explicitly told him NOT to do.”Something I say very frequently to the parents that I work with is that we are simply planting seeds.Did you listen to every single thing your parents taught you every time? No. But did the things that your parents frequently say to you eventually stick with you? YES! Those are the things that you remember. The things they repeated over and over.Take a few minutes to think about the things you feel like you say to your child over and over. Look at these examples and consider how you might model these examples in your own family.

Child statement or problem	Planting seeds	Nurturing growth	Harvest
Child complains every time he has to turn off his video games.	“Buddy, people are more important than electronics.”	“Remember, we have talked about how our family values people more than electronics.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, he will turn off his electronic devices when friends are around. OR He will say aloud, “People are more important than electronics.”
Child yells you never do what he wants to do.	“We frequently try to keep what you want to do in mind. In fact, last week we went to the movies like you wanted to do.”	“Remember, we think about you too. Remember the movies from the other week? Or the basketball arena? We think of you too.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, she will say she is glad we did those things as a family.
Child says he is too dumb to do homework.	“I can hear your frustration about how hard homework is for you. I see how hard you are working. You are not dumb and it is not okay for you to say that about yourself. Let’s take a look at what you need to do together.”	“Remember how we have talked about what you can and cannot say about yourself when you are frustrated? You cannot say you are dumb. You can say, I am really frustrated by this math homework.”	In the days, weeks, months, years to come, he will share when he is angry or frustrated, but not use comments that degrade his self-worth.

So when it feels like it is hopeless. Like your child is never going to ‘get it.’ Remember, you are planting seeds. Each time you are nurturing growth, keep focusing on planting and nurturing seeds. And just like a garden, sometimes it takes a lot of nurturing before that seed grows into the harvest.

Stillness takes work.

Stillness takes work.Do you find yourself often talking about how tired you feel? When someone asks how you are, do you frequently say, “I’m tired.”? If yes, then the remedy is stillness.Stillness is really the only place to experience rest.This means stillness of body and mind. It means sitting in the recliner while the kids are napping or at school and just allowing the silence take over.Trust me. This is as scary to me as it is to any of you. I have more things on my daily to-do list than I will get through in four days, so the thought of sitting in silence without any level of tasking (much less my typical multi-tasking) is scary.It makes me feel like I will be further behind.It convinces me that I don’t have time for rest. That I must use every waking second to be doing something.But what I have found in my 10 years of being a parent and 12 years in helping parents is that if we don’t take this time, we will continue to feel tired and ragged.I often talk with parents about the difference between inner chaos and outer chaos. As parents, it is likely that we are surrounded by outer chaos – for at least a portion of our day. Someone is always crying or whining or arguing. Someone always wants something to eat or drink. When we turn on the television, the news is always talking about something chaotic or sad.

There will always be chaos around us. That is really not at the heart of why we feel tired.

At the heart of why we always feel tired is the inner chaos. It is that you always have more things to do than time to do it. It is the constant thought of not being enough. It is the thought of needing to do more with or for your kids.It is the inner chaos that we most need the stillness for. Your mind needs to rest from the chaos and your body needs it as well.So what will you do this week to take time to find stillness. Notice what I said…FIND stillness. Here’s the thing. For most of us, stillness doesn’t just happen. Our lives don’t magically slow down so we can rest. They just don’t. We must seek it out. We must cut out the evening sitcom to find stillness. We might need to wake up 10 minutes earlier to find stillness. We might need to cut out some of our kids’ extracurricular activities to find stillness.Whatever you need to do, will you consider being purposeful this week? Put it on your calendar so it becomes a priority?Start with just 10 minutes and work up to 30 minutes a day if you can!Then, wait to see how your mind and body respond. Reflect on your level of fatigue and your response to "How are you?" My hope is that is goes from "I'm tired." to "I feel good."

Finding joy -> Overcoming the hurdle of chaos

Finding joy -> Overcoming the hurdle of chaosIn 1980, the year I was born :), Dr. Robert Plutchik, a American psychologist suggested there are eight basic emotions that are polar opposites of one another.

• joy-sadness,
• anger-fear,
• trust-distrust,
• surprise-anticipation

I can appreciate sadness being opposite joy, but in real life, I believe chaos is the hurdle between joy and sadness. In fact, chaos could be the hurdle between a whole bunch of positive emotions!

JOY!  -------------------------------------------------------------chaos-----------SADNESS

I believe we need to cut through and eliminate chaos before we can really even get to joy. And although we aren’t able to control emotions, we CAN control chaos.Take a quick inventory. Are you living in an over-scheduled, hectic household? Do you go to bed at night and wonder what happened that day? Have you sped through the week without really connecting with anyone?Most people are able to identify they are living in chaos. More often, folks struggle to know how to get out of chaos.Let me clarify that. Most folks KNOW what they need to do. The struggle comes is being able to do what needs to be done. In other words, when I ask parents how to slow down the crazy cycle, most parents are able to say… “Well I need to be home more for dinner.” Or “We need to have less activities for the kids.” Or “We need to schedule date nights each month.”Why is it that we all struggle to cut the crazy out? I believe it is part cultural and part FOMO (fear of missing out).Yes. We live in a crazy, over-scheduled world. But we don’t have to succumb to that way of living. I have met plenty of kids who were NOT in 3 sports at once and they turned out just fine! I believe we also worry that our kids will “miss out” on some opportunity if we limit something for them.Let’s take a minute to consider the opposing question.If we all can agree that chaos is the hurdle between us and joy, are our kids “missing out” on experiencing joy WITH US? Is that equally (or even more so) problematic?Don’t worry. Remember my last post…kids are resilient.They are still finding joy! Kids can find joy almost anywhere, can’t they? In doing chores, they find a way to mess around to find joy. In playing outside, they run and jump and play. In walking through the grocery store, they skip and roll on the floor.To them, joy and fun are the same thing.In fact, if we really stop to peel away the differences, joy often leads to fun and fun frequently brings joy.But I find that many parents forget how to do both – have fun and find joy.  We are lost in the busyness and the chaos of life. Of schedules and work and chores and the mundane.

How do you have fun?Where do you find joy?

Let’s all commit this week to finding ways to have a little more fun and finding a LOT more joy when we are with our kids. Trust me, you won’t miss anything by doing this!

Kids are resilient.

Kids are resilient.As a child psychologist, one of the most frequent things I say to parents is “Kids are resilient.” Over and over, I remind parents that children move on quickly, bounce back from struggle, and adjust to change. In most cases, much more quickly that we do as adults.As parents, I think we often fret about getting every single decision right. We over-emphasize some things and under-emphasize others. “Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”  “I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”  “He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

We worry that one miss-step will lead to our kids…

• …getting into “big trouble.”
• …being made fun of.
• …missing something.
• …ending up in prison.
• …becoming a pathological liar.

All parents want their children to grow up to be well-adjusted, happy people. And each decision we make as parents make us feel like we have this huge pressure to get it all right.But guess what?Kids are resilient. While we don’t want to mess EVERY decision up, most of the things that we, as parents, become really anxious about really don’t matter that much to kids. More often, it is OUR fear of looking bad to others that messes us up. 

“Should she be allowed to skip the music recital if she doesn’t want to go?”

MAYBE. In the big picture, how important is the recital? Will she fail the class? Will it “look bad” if she isn’t there? Who does it matter more to, you or her?Many of you will allow your anxiety to catapult you to the thought of… “Well, if I let her skip this one, I am giving in and she will want to skip all of them.” (Or some other possible outcome in the future… “She will turn into a slacker” or “She never wants to do anything, she is going to turn into a hermit.” I know this is what happens, because I have heard it time and again from parents I have worked with. We take these isolated incidences with our kids and allow anxiety to convince us that this ONE decision will turn them into horrible people.Guess what?It won’t. Because kids are resilient.Allowing her to have her voice heard and ‘skip’ the recital may HELP her feel understood by you. Giving her the freedom to have control of this situation may allow her to use her voice later in life as well. Think about it. Sure…she may ask to skip the next school function if you let her skip this one. And when that day comes, you may make a different decision as a parent. And guess what? She will adjust to THAT decision when it comes.Because kids are resilient.They adjust. They move on. 

“I know he lied about forgetting his homework…should I punish him?”

PROBABLY…but maybe not HARSHLY. First, we have to look at the big picture again. Does he have a history of lying? Are you setting him up to lie? Is he at an age when lying is an age-appropriate behavior (even if it is still ‘wrong’)?Depending on the age, lying is a developmentally appropriate behavior. Kids learn to lie because it is a developmental milestone. If you meet someone who tells you they have never told a lie, tell them they are lying!We all lie. Big lies and small lies.It doesn’t make it right or wrong, it just makes it reality. And when we punish our kids for something that is developmentally where they are, it can have more negative consequences than positive ones.I know I am not making friends when I say some parents, myself included, set kids up to WANT to lie. Consider this. For most kids, getting into trouble is not a positive experience. Most kids want to avoid getting into trouble. Don’t you?!?  I know I don’t love being in trouble.So the real question is…are you creating a culture of absolute acceptance? A relationship with them that is built on them KNOWING that no matter what they do or say, you will not shame them, make them feel bad, or hurt them (physically or emotionally).Do you start your questioning of them with “Is there anything you want to tell me??” or “Did you REALLY forget your homework AGAIN?!?”Stop to think about it. If your boss asked you these questions, in these ways, what is the likelihood that you will WANT to lie? For most people, it would be a high likelihood for dishonesty. Because the manner in which the questions are asked already suggests the child is in trouble.Instead, consider building a culture and relationship of absolute acceptance. Start with: “I talked to your teacher today and she said that you forgot your homework again. Tell me what happened.”Do you notice the difference??Aren’t you much more likely to get an honest response if you ask this way??Don’t try to ‘catch them’ in a lie. Trust me, you will catch them almost every time. But is that really what you want? For most people, we don’t want to catch them in a lie. We want to know the truth.So if you really want the truth, try asking for the truth in a way that is more likely to elicit it from your kids.Have you struggled with trying to ‘catch them’ in the past?Don’t worry…kids are resilient! 

“He said halfway through the season that he doesn’t want to do it anymore…should I force him even if he has anxiety about it?”

MAYBE. Go back to the first example because much of the responses would be similar. Even if he has anxiety about it now, it doesn’t mean he will need prescription medication for eternity. Don’t allow every decision to turn YOU into an anxious mess.And remember…kids are resilient!

Resolutions –> No. Traditions –> Yes.

Resolutions –> No.       Traditions –> Yes.As we start another new year, it is common for us to think about new changes. It’s strange how the new year catapults us to consider so many new things. However, most of us aren’t great at keeping up with our resolutions. I love that we want to be better, but it is often challenging to maintain any new habit – particularly since many of us shoot for the stars with multiple new changes as resolutions.Instead, this year, what if you focused away from resolutions and onto something else?I recently attended the funeral of my great aunt. She was the last of her generation to pass away, which left many of us reflecting on her legacy and that of her siblings. I created a short list of what her generation taught me and what I remembered most about her. I found myself continuing to come back to those traditions I had with my grandfather and great aunts. I remembered how we had huge family gatherings at the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving. I remembered how my grandfather would always sing Italian music while dancing around our small, family-owned restaurant. I remembered how food, laughter, and loudness would always permeate our best family discussions.And I began wondering how my children might remember me. Perhaps this isn’t a thought you have had yet. But I know it is one that will be important to most of us at some point. Perhaps we focus on that this year instead of resolutions?I believe creating a legacy involves two things. First, making words matter for good. And second, creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

Making words matter… for good.

My philosophy is to use effective communication strategies with my kids so they can clearly understand our expectations, but also know how to communicate themselves later in life. This means making sure each word we speak has a purpose, and that we speak words that have purpose – for good. Our words have the power to heal, care, love, uplift, encourage, support, and compliment. Our words also have the power to hurt, demean, belittle, argue, and hate. I am certain all of us have heard about the power of words. But so frequently, I witness adults around me using words in ways that are not “for good.” In fact, each day, I catch myself reflecting on some of my own word choices. Consider something someone said to you that was hurtful? Have you ever had someone say something that made you feel belittled?  I am guessing it is not hard for you to remember those times. It’s unfortunate how we can so quickly remember the negative words of others.So how will you use your words today?Consider taking on the challenge of making sure your words are always used for healing. Find ways to use words that are caring and loving. When you see your child or spouse, use words that are uplifting and encouraging. Remember how it felt when someone supported and complimented you? What would it be like if you focused on only used words that made others feel that way?Once and for all (the other way of interpreting “for good” in making words matter for good), could we make words matter in a way that makes others feel those positive things? And perhaps we all live more closely to the saying, “If you don’t have something nice to say, say nothing at all.”Again I ask, how will you use your words?

Creating traditions your children will remember for a lifetime.

I love traditions. Now that I am an adult, it is those traditions that I remember most about my childhood.

• I remember how every Saturday, my mother would work (she was a stay-at-home-mom throughout the week) and that left dad in charge. That meant Jiffy blueberry pancakes for breakfast, and beans and weenies (with A1 sauce) for lunch. Every Saturday.
• I remember how every year on Christmas Eve morning, my mother would pack up trays of cookies to be delivered in-person to all of our neighbors.
• I remember how my mother would play Christmas music early in the morning while she cooked breakfast around the holiday.
• I remember how my grandmother would have a giant bowl of Jujubes candy in her room and when we would visit, she would be sure to give us a hand full!

Of course, I remember family vacations and other meaningful moments from childhood. But it is the simple traditions that really stand out for me when someone asks about my family.According to Merriam-Webster, tradition is defined as “the handing down of information, beliefs, or customs from one generation to another.” How will you “hand down” your beliefs to your children? My children and I now deliver handmade pizzas to our neighbors on Christmas Eve morning. We have pancakes for breakfast. I love Christmas music. While all of these examples seem simple, and even corny, this is precisely what traditions are. If you think about what your parents “always did”, I bet you will find ways that you also do some of those things. Perhaps it is time to be sure we are purposeful with how we behave so we can have intentional traditions for our kids. What traditions do you have for your family? Are there other ideas that you would like to incorporate? Create a plan to do that this year!I believe we create a legacy by planting seeds everyday by using words for good. Those words build our children into the grown-ups we want them to be. Then the traditions are how they understand how to live their lives, that carry out the family’s beliefs and customs to the next generation.

Instead of resolutions, how about new (or continued) traditions?