Their performance is NOT a reflection of you as a parent

This message is for anyone who feels bad if their child does not perform well on the field. Their performance is not a reflection of you. You don't have to feel bad or embarrassed. You don't have to defend his or her behavior. You simply support the coach and your child as they continue to grow and develop.If you are going home feeling defeated after a game, you may want to take a moment to reflect on what your overall goal for your child is. Perhaps you are putting more into it than needs to happen right now. If you are stressed about how well they are doing, talk to the coach for some perspective. You are not ruining your 5th-grader's chance at a college scholarship by missing a game. Take the pressure off of yourself (and your child) and simply enjoy the sport for what it is. And what it is supposed to be! Fun!Now.... if your child is angry, screaming at the coach or referee, throwing things, etc. Then that might be a parenting issue. It might mean we need more structure around the expectations of participating in competitive sports.Check out this short video to summarize this point! [embed]https://vimeo.com/362621118[/embed]photo cred Đàm Tướng Quân

The ongoing issue of playing time

I’m just gonna come out with this…. your child may not be the most talented athlete out there. Or maybe they have the most talent, but lack some maturity. Or emotional control. None of our kids is going to be the BEST at everything all the time. Therefore, there are going to be times when your child doesn't play as much as you think (or hope) he/she should.

• This does NOT mean we get to complain to the coach about playing time. Or instruct the coach on how that coach should do his/her job.
• This does mean we can smile and be grateful for the opportunity that coach has granted our child. (Sorry - there really just isn't a whole lot of wiggle room here. See my previous post about youth coaches.)

Your unintended message

Knowing as many coaches as I do, when you complain about playing time, it brings nothing but negative feelings onto a coach that is already stressed about developing kids into a team that can play. I have heard my coach friends say it feels disrespectful and demeaning. And it gives the message that we are ungrateful for the coach's hard work.And I don't think any of us intend that message. (Hopefully).

A work in progress

We recently traveled about an hour away for a tournament with my oldest son. We had all the other kids there (which meant we paid a pretty penny to get in!) and it was on a Sunday afternoon - a day that I usually don't like to be gone from the house.Anyway - we sat through the first quarter and our son didn't play at all. By the second quarter, my little boys were getting squirmy and we broke down and visited the concession stand. Still no playing time. He sat the bench the entire first half. I was less than thrilled. We drove all this way, the other kids were complaining much of the time, or arguing or squirming or needing some sort of redirection from me. I was stressed and disappointed. He played part of the second half and we were on our way back home.When we got in the car, Mason was disappointed that he didn't play as much as he thought he should have. And before I got a chance to share my similar disappointment, my husband shared wisdom about "Yeah. Sometimes that happens. Other kids get to play more, too."  You see, Mason had missed a couple of team practices. We had other things going on. And I am so thankful for the realization that if my kid had put in the work/time/energy to be at practice each day, then he should get to play in the game more!We also had a chance to talk about how it is still an important part of being on the team to cheer your friends on from the bench. How that's an important role too.

So… if you have a scenario when your kid doesn't get to play as much, here are a few things to keep in mind...

• If she doesn’t play and she doesn’t care - this is great news. You get to have great conversations about how proud you are that they are a part of the team. That they are trying something new. That they are having fun.
• If he doesn’t play and he does care - this gives you an opportunity to teach about disappointment and sadness. You can share your own experiences with feeling disappointed to help them see it is okay. You can connect with his vulnerability by showing your own vulnerability. 
• If you traveled someplace far away and he didn’t play - this one can be tough. I am still working on this myself! In the past, I have framed this around the opportunity for adventure and family time. And honestly, that's what matters most to me anyway. If you are able to stay grounded in remembering that what really matters is the time you get to spend with your family (OVER the time he gets to play), it can make it a little easier. See it as family time, not as a waste of time.
• If you are the parent whose kid is killin it, sitting next to the parent whose kid isn’t playing - this can also be tough. We want to cheer and be proud of our kid. But it may also feel a bit uncomfortable around parents who aren't feeling as much joy. Again, we can frame this around showing support and encouragement for every child - on both sides of the court. Also - simply building relationship with the person next to you about things other than sports could help you have more things to talk about besides the greatness of your child.

At the end of the day, keep in mind your overall goal for the day or activity. When we stay focused on those things, it is more likely that we avoid negative feelings at the end of the day.Photo by Anton Belitskiy from Pexels

Your dream or their dream?

This one is sometimes a tough one to realize. Sometimes we realize this about our spouse or partner before we realize this in ourselves. Many of us don’t want to admit that we are pushing our child to the limit because we want to relive our dream, rather than allowing it to be their dream. We encourage them to play a certain sport or do a certain activity because WE want them to do it...not because they want to. I get that we should push our kids to do things outside of their comfort zone. I encourage that. I think introducing kids to all sorts of new things is brilliant. That isn’t what I am talking about here.Here, I am talking about those ways that we push our kids or force our kids into things they aren’t remotely interested in...just because WE want them to do it.We have some good friends who coach basketball. They have two kids. Neither of which love basketball. In fact, the kids disdain the sport. We often talk about how hard it is to love a sport so much and have offspring who could care less. What I admire about these friends of ours is that they don’t push their kids into the sport. They introduced them to it. Had their kids play in a recreational league. But after that league, when the kids said they were done, the parents allowed them to be done.So I ask here...when you put your kids in a sport or activity, is it your dream or theirs? Is it your plan because it is more convenient? Or their true desire to grow and develop with that particular activity? Photo by Oleg Magni from Pexels

To quit or not to quit. That is the question.

This topic actually comes up a lot in therapy with kids and parents. A child will get started on some team or with some activity and partway through, will decide they don’t want do that team or activity anymore. And the parent is then left with a predicament of “do I make them stick it out?“ or “doing with them quit?“ Really, it comes down to a couple of things. First, you know your child better than anyone else. So don’t let any therapist or psychologist, even me, tell you what is best for your kid.  But, I also want to say that sometimes we can get so rigid with our ways that we miss the most important thing. 

Here’s the truth:

1. If you make them stick it out… that’s a great lesson. Perseverance and overcoming obstacles is a great lesson to learn early on.
2. If you let them quit… That is also a great lesson. Teaching them to listen to what their body is saying and what they truly want to do with their time and energy, is something most people don’t realize until much later in life, if at all.

So you see how either way, you can make it a teachable moment?If you still aren't sure, here are a few additional indicators to consider:

When to call it quits:

If your child is having a physical reaction, like stomachaches that are clearly linked to their anxiety about the activity, then it might be time to just take a break. It may not mean that they will never come back to that sport or activity. It may just mean that they need more development and more maturity to do that activity well. Don’t give up hope! But there is also no sense in making them be tortured through something that is so anxiety-provoking. You are not "toughening them up" by making them stick it out. You are simply torturing them. And frankly torturing you. None of us likes to see our child that way. And none of us likes to feel trapped in an anxiety-provoking situation.

When it might be time to stick it out:

It might be time to stick it out if you know that your child will enjoy it if they can just get over the initial anxiety of starting something new. You may increase the level of support for them to make them feel more comfortable. You might also increase motivation to engage in that sport or activity by providing a reward for their participation. Yes I know. Some of you don’t like that. However, sometimes I need a little reward to keep doing things that I know I need to do. All humans work that way. And animals too, frankly. Stopping on the way home for an ice cream cone as a reward for playing hard or picking up a snack at the convenience store because you know how much they love that we will not ruin them. It gives you the space to tell them how proud you are of them for trying something new and give them a little boost of excitement. Nothings wrong with that.

Encouragement, not criticism

My oldest son plays 5th grade competitive basketball. He loves the basketball. Loves it. And if I’m being honest, I really do love it too. I have played. I grew up playing basketball. I grew up watching Hoosiers. For heaven sake’s I live in Indiana. It’s basically in my blood.At a recent game, we were playing at a sports complex that is not my favorite place to watch basketball. It always feels hectic because there are whistles blowing all the time. Kids running everywhere (mostly unsupervised). It is so loud that sometimes I can’t even think straight. But it is a good place for him to play competitive basketball. So I bring my little cushion bleacher seat and I wait for the game to start. 

Complaints, with fuel --> turns toxic

On this particular game, as I am waiting, I noticed some people to my left who are complaining about a variety of things. As the game got started and the intensity of the game increased, those complaints were then targeted toward my son and his teammates. The parents from the other team were complaining about calls that were or were not being made by the referee. They would yell at the kids who were playing about their performance or lack of performance. In short, those complaints combined with a seemingly over active and negative referee, the whole game felt toxic. Parents were yelling at other parents. Sarcastic and snarky laughter to fuel the frustration of other parents. It was all-around ugly.Let me say, I have been in the stands at MANY sporting events. And I have heard everything from minor offensive comments to outright racial slurs. And today was certainly not the worst I have seen. But I was saddened to remember that these LITTLE BOYS are in 5th grade. Some of them 4th grade. We are talking about 9 year olds and 10 year olds whose little brains and bodies have so much growing to do. So much developing. 

The environment is prime for modeling

I was struck by how hard it must be to play in this kind of environment. My belly was nauseous with stress and anxiety about the whole thing. I just kept thinking how hard it must be for them to wrap their heads around how they should actually behave when they are being modeled such poor behavior. From grownups on the sidelines.When I got in the car after the game with my son and I asked him how he thought he did, he said he thought he played well. And he did. He was awesome and amazing and played his very best the whole game. I could see his energy. I saw how hard he worked. And I was proud of him. And I can only hope that when he sees me in the stands showing him encouragement and not criticism, that he is also proud of me.Y’all. We need to be better. If you struggle with being critical on the sidelines - or saying negative things about ANY child (on your team or the opposing), remember we want to model that pride for every child. 

Step in to the charge

And I have certainly had my moments of frustration with my kid’s performance on the court (see my post later this month about their performance not being a reflection of us!!). And I know I have said things in the stands that my kid would not be proud of. And as we all move toward being better together, for kids, I hope I can continue to make him proud of me in the stands giving encouragement, not criticism.#makewordsmatterforgood

Imagine the sign... "Coaching from the sidelines. Not allowed."

I borrowed this image from this website because I think it fits perfectly with what we are discussing today. Whether your child is a toddler or teen, these are a few things to remember when moving through the sports' season.I recently wrote a post about allowing teachers to have authority with our kid’s path and simply be led by them. When our kids play sports, the same holds true for the coach. Simply allow yourself to be led by them (and encourage your child to be led by them!). And here’s why.

Youth coaches do NOT make enough money

Adults who sign up to be coaches typically do not get paid enough for the value they hold with our youth. In many instances in fact, the coaches are volunteers. Although I know that, I often do not remember that they are giving up so much of their time for my kids. I can imagine some days those volunteer coaches go home thinking..."why did I sign up for this?" I also know that I have heard coaches say the worst part of coaching isn't the kids - it's the parents.  I know we can change that by using our words for good - on the field, off the field, and in discussions with those around us.

Having “ coaches” on both sides of the playing field is confusing

There is no denying that our kids want to please us. They want us to be proud of them. So when we are shouting things at them from the other side of the field that they should or should not be doing, it puts them in the middle. Literally and figuratively. They want to please us, but they also know they need to listen to their coach. So if we are not going to commit to being the coach on the other side of the field, keep the comments on the sideline to strictly be encouraging. If you want to talk with your kid about their performance after the game, that might be the right time to do that. But in the heat of the moment when they are already under pressure In the game to perform well, that may not be the time to send messages to them. Encourage them to listen to their coach and just cheer them on!

Being a true teammate

Just a couple of days ago, I shared that one of the benefits of youth sports is being a part of a team. Within that same idea, being a good teammate means following what the coach says (not what your parent says!). I remember being on a team growing up and having good friends whose parents were really energized by our games. But I also remember talking with my teammates about how hard it was for them to try to figure out who they should really be listening to. Being a teammate means going along with the team mentality. This may not be the same as what you hoped the mentality might be, but to support that coach it is imperative that we go along and support it. Again, if you have bigger concerns about the coach, it may be appropriate for you to schedule a meeting with him/her. But bad-mouthing the coach will only undermine the hard work that coach has put in and upset your child. If you are struggling to get along with a particular coach, I might encourage you to consider if the roles were switched. If you had put in hours and hours of time for the team and had a parent share concerns like you’re sharing. We may never know how much work goes on behind the scenes for coaches and what they put into the activity. Perhaps giving the benefit of the doubt in the situation is a good idea.

Key reminders

• Be overly grateful for our youth-sports coaches. They really are giving your child an invaluable experience. Even if they are the worst coach on the planet, they are the reason your child is able to participate in that event. See if you can search for anything positive to focus on.
• Be led and simply enjoy watching your kid play (or sit the bench with his/her friends!). I’m going to address playing time in the upcoming weeks, so standby for that. In the meantime, the whole point of youth sports is for us as parents to simply enjoy watching our kids doing things that they otherwise wouldn’t normally be doing. Sometimes you could just let it be that.
• Teach and praise being a good teammate. I’m not sure I can over emphasize the value of being a good teammate. I still have conversations with college students about the value of learning how to work together in a group. It is simply an invaluable skill. When you notice your child is doing something that makes him or her a good teammate, praise them and tell them how much that means to you. Take a minute to point out that you noticed how much they were cheering for their friends. Make a special comment about how he passed the ball to the one kid who doesn’t get it very often. All of those things matter way more than winning.

#makewordsmatterforgood

Intro to youth sports and youth activities

There are so many benefits to youth sports (or extracurricular activities - like band, music, or art). Some parents choose to put their kids in sports as early as 3 or 4. Others may choose to wait until 6 or 7 when the child has gotten into the swing of school. Either way, I encourage parents to get kids involved in some activity when the timing feels right for their child. Beyond the benefit of physical activity, here are a few other pros to having kids in youth sports.

Learning to be part of a team

Being a part of a team gives them much-needed exposure to concepts like working together well, and seeing that things are bigger than themselves. For example, in group sports, the team can’t win unless all the players are working together. Even if one player is playing excellently, the entire team needs to play well together for the win. 

Expanding their social network

Youth activities give kids a chance to become friends with people who have similar interests, but maybe aren’t in proximity to them normally. In other words, kids from different schools can become friends at a youth activity even if they don’t see each other throughout the week at school. This can be especially helpful for kids who maybe don’t have as many close friends at their school, or who are new to the school. 

Growing with a new adult in charge

It is a great experience for your child to be under the influence of another grown-up. This helps them to generalize their listening skills to other people - outside of you and their teachers. Encourage them to be respectful by talking with them ahead of time about your expectations for them when someone else is in charge. Share your family values with your child as you are driving to the first practice so they know how and why to behave.

Tips for youth activities

1. Start with something that is a short season and inexpensive.  As you are just getting started, try to find a sport or activity that is a short season that doesn’t cost too much. This will minimize the likelihood that you will quit early - or get frustrated because your kid wants to quit early (if you don’t pay too much, you won’t be as upset if it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to!)
2. Have low expectations. I know this sounds weird, but if we have low expectations, we are more likely to be pleased at the end. Don’t go into the first couple of experiences with the expectation that your child is going to LOVE it or be amazing at it. That’s okay! If you go into it knowing it may just be a luke-warm response from your child, you are less likely to be disappointed. 
3. Remember what the whole point is. The point for youth activities is to give them something to do, learn to be a part of a time, expand their social network and follow instructions from another adult. If they are running around or staring at the wall for most of the game - that’s okay. If they are having fun, that’s the best part. 

 #makewordsmatterforgood

A final reflection on change and growth

[embed]https://vimeo.com/362621021[/embed]How do YOU model growth? Comment on Facebook or below!#makewordsmatterforgood

Expectations at school and homework

This is basically the face I have when it is time for homework. It’s either that one kid has assured me they have “no homework” (and I hesitantly believe them)... or… this is the 5th grade math figuring-it-out-face.  Don’t judge. I was awesome at math. 25 years ago!Homework is a necessary part of the home-school connection. Yes. I realize there are many different opinions about homework. Some believe it is unnecessary. That kids should learn what they need to learn at school. I get that. But y’all, can I tell you about the list of things teachers have to do to get our kids to be well-meaning grownups that have nothing to do with academics?? All of the teaching required that has nothing to do with reading or math. It’s a lot. Like A.LOT. I’ve been in classrooms - from preschool to high school. And no matter the age - your kid’s teachers are working hard on getting them to be kind. To follow instructions. To interact socially. To wait. And the list goes on...So I actually appreciate homework. It helps me stay connected to what the kids are doing. It gives me some time to work closely with them on something. It allows me to be helpful to them in ways other than cooking and driving them around. (Note: my kids do not have hours of homework each night. Maybe 30 minutes or so…). The other thing it allows me to do is to share with them my value of education and working hard to be better. 

Tips to remember

If you are struggling to get into the swing of homework, here are a few tips. 

1.  I would encourage you to set a visual schedule of your child’s homework tasks. Have him/her help you create the order in which homework gets completed. Write them on a dry erase board or piece of paper to check off once it is completed.
2. ALWAYS include a snack during homework time. Especially if it is right after school. Remember, most of our kids each lunch really early in the day. And nobody does homework well when they are hangry. 
3. You could also include things like a brain break activity like charades, or I-Spy for a few minutes to increase the fun and decrease the stress. 

One final note: projects 

Keep in mind that projects can be really hard for our kids. Even quite mature kids can struggle to keep themselves organized during a multi-week-long project. I encourage parents to frequently ask about any projects that kids have going on. Often, kids think they are doing okay and then don’t tell parents about a project until the very last minute. (You can imagine how that goes!). So if you know ahead of time to ask about projects, it will probably save a lot of headaches in the end. If your child has difficulty with this, talk to his/her teacher about projects at the outset of the quarter. See if the teacher will give you a list of projects that you can prepare for in advance. Although your child may say he/she doesn’t need help, they almost never turn it down when they are up against a deadline. Don’t do it for them...but be there to support them and encourage them.#makewordsmatterforgood